


The Place Where You Closed Your Eyes

by watermealong



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Neighbors, Alternate Universe - School, Angst?, First Kiss, First Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Heartbreak, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Long-Distance Friendship, M/M, Minor Lee Jeno/Kim Jungwoo, Multi, Oh, Pining, Romance, Slow Build, and family, nct - Freeform, nomin, nomin have wise friends, okay, okay just tell me if it's sad or not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-05
Updated: 2018-08-16
Packaged: 2019-06-07 17:46:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 33,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15224480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/watermealong/pseuds/watermealong
Summary: Jaemin sleeps everywhere, the boy can count his sheep on the imaginary spaceship, getting lost with his mind scattered everywhere.Jeno hides everything, running around with his way nowhere in sight. But sometimes, it doesn't have to be. Some things might just bound to be unresolved, to be missing.Because Jaemin sleeps everywhere, and Jeno will always find him.





	1. BEFORE

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: possible unreliable information, heartbreaks, selfishness, selflessness, older Jeno, cringy remarks from the king of flirt, and lots of crying too, uh and sacrifice(?)
> 
> And: English is not my first language so reaaally sorry for the many grammatical errors, I'll try my best u.u

_“If I wanna sing of everything that we have been through,_

_i'll run out of words_

_But if I could sing of just one thing,_

_It'd be your melody_

_If I wanna write a story about you and me, would you believe me,_

_I'll ran out of pages_

_But if I could write of just one moment,_

_It would be forever._ _”_

 

\- Refrain by Afgan -

 

* * *

 

 

Jaemin sleeps everywhere. He slept while watching a movie, thirty minutes in when Lion King was playing, with body sprawled across the sofa and mouth slightly parted as his breathing goes even. He slept beside the freezer, claimed it was too hot that summer day.

He slept outside his room in the balcony once, with pink flower petals from the fallen leaves of magnolia tree covering the floor where he laid, hair a mess of black tangled locks. He didn’t care, he said one perfect afternoon. He didn’t even care when his mom scold him afterwards for being too reckless because it was spring, and he can’t stand the pollen carried by the spring breeze which caused him to sneeze for a week.

He fell asleep on the floor in the library, surrendered the book he’s been reading to the sets of heavy eyelids, exploring the dreamland for a a little while.

Jaemin sleeps everywhere.

Sometimes he’s lost and nobody could find him. Like he was playing hide and seek and didn’t show up to announce his victory. Like the earth had swallowed him, and he is scaring everyone when most of the time, he’s just sleeping some place that most people won’t even laid a hand on. Like that abandon warehouse down the block where only rats and tiny beetles roam the place. Or that muddy lake beside his elementary school, where he went home covered with red dots all over his hands and legs because weaver ants were apparently biting his sleeping body.

Jaemin sleeps everywhere.

But at least Jeno always found him.

 

\---

 

It started as a silly escapade, Jeno was always alone at home, being an only child with both his parents a busy lawyers who always went on a business trips and never stayed home for more than a week, unless it’s Christmas then they will be indulging their only son with toys and everything he ever wanted. Taking him to Japan for Disneyland, or catching fish in Jeju Island. Jeno was always lonely, until he met Jaemin.

Na Jaemin was his neighbor, a boy two years younger than him, live right beside his house with his two little sisters and their beautiful, strong mother. He was cheerful, a smile so wide and two of his brown eyes were always glowing every time he laughed, creating a pretty crescent moon that always did something to 12 years old Lee Jeno’s Heart.

It wasn’t a pleasant feeling, he was confused. He didn’t know what was that feeling at first. Why was his chest felt like it might burst whenever the younger had smiled at his jokes, or laughed when Jeno messed up his lego and almost cried.

He didn’t know if he can ask his almost absent parents why, and he wasn’t sure either if he can confront Auntie Song who was his caretaker, about the butterflies flying in his stomach whenever he returned home from the Na House, face red after he almost thought of kissing his friend’s temple because it had looked lonely when they watched the Lion King together, even if the later fell asleep for the first 30 minutes, leaving Jeno unfocused about how the popular movie ended and instead watching the sleeping Jaemin on the sofa, so peaceful and beautiful. He was so small, Jeno felt like the world could swallow him in a whim.

Their friendship went like a rollercoaster. At least for Jeno because he felt like he needed to always protected the younger, especially since Jaemin had a tendency to be asleep on the strangest place and didn’t care if that place caused his allergies to went bad, or the grass where he laid at noon after class break were full of weaver ants that bit his hands and legs.

Memory of the lake was the worst because that was the first time Jeno saw Jaemin cried from pain, he was a fifth grader at that time, and had run like a mad bull when Donghyuck, Jaemin's classmate, told him that his friend went missing after eating lunch and never came back to class for the second period. Jaemin had cried when Jeno found him, screaming from pain because his hands and legs were bitten from the vicious little creatures.

The back of his school uniform were dirty from the wet soil he had slept on, and Jeno ran to him, pulling the younger hands to himself, getting him away from the lake area. He was so mad, he wasn’t sure his anger were towards Jaemin for his recklessness, or the things that had made the younger cried. “Why are you so reckless?” Jeno sigh, bending to check on Jaemin’s hands and legs in case he still had an ant roaming somewhere.

At this point, the boy were already covered on red dots, some were even shown a sign of bleeding. And Jeno growled, he hated seeing Jaemin in pain.

“I’m sorry…” The boy said with a low voice. “I was gonna leave after taking a short nap there because it was so nice, but i woke up with the ants on my body, they were big and red, and they bit me!” Jeno looked up to see Jaemin, eyes glassy with threatening tears down his face, he was clearly trying to hold it back.

After making sure that there’s no more ants on Jaemin’s body, Jeno stood up to match his height with the sniffling boy. He stared at him right in the eyes, he remembered, but he didn't remember if he was giving him a wrathful expression, or a sad one. Either way, Jaemin just went blank, even when the tears he tried to hold back started to really fell down his cheek.

“Don’t ever do that again, it’s dangerous there. The teachers put fences around it on purpose, Nana. There could be dangerous animals, more dangerous than those weaver ants that bit you.” Jeno said. He wipes Jaemin’s tears with the back of his hand, “now let’s get you to the nurses. Do you want me to call aunt Na?”

Jaemin shakes his head. “No, she’ll be mad at me.”

“She should be. Look what happened to you.” Jeno said while helping the boy by putting his hand around Jaemin’s shoulders.

“Are you mad at me then?” Jaemin asked.

Jeno laughed. “No. But I’m mad.”

“At who? You just said it wasn’t me, so don’t take it back.”

Jeno laughed again at that. “I’m mad because you are hurt. I hate seeing you hurt.”

Jaemin went silent at Jeno’s answer, they were walking side by side, going to the school infirmary with careful steps. “I…” He trailed off. “I won’t do that again. Promise. I won’t make you mad again.” Jeno smiled, tightening his hold by circling his hand on Jaemin’s hips.

“Don’t you hear me? I said I’m mad because you’re hurt, not at you. So just try to not get hurt and i won’t be mad again.” Jaemin, a little shorter than Jeno at that time, turned to looked at the older boy on his side, making them both stop walking.

“That goes to you, too. Don’t get hurt, Jeno Hyung.”

And there, again, Jeno felt like he stopped breathing. Because Jaemin smile, the brightest one Jeno ever saw. Or maybe one of the brightest. He thought every smile Jeno could produce out of the younger were the brightest, anyway. But their faces were so close, like Jeno could step a little forward and he could kiss Jaemin’s temple, or put his lips on the track of tears left down his cheeks. Or he could burst, he can surely explode there, too, if Teacher Kim didn’t call the two boys name down the corridor. Worried written on her face.

Jeno and Jaemin separate their gazes on each other to actually look forward at the panicking teacher.

“Oh dear, what happened?” The homeroom teacher asked.

Jeno cleared his throat, making sure that he didn’t actually lost his voice in Jaemin’s smile seconds ago. “Jaemin were bitten by the weaver ants, Teacher. He needs to go to the infirmary and get it treated.” He answered for the both of them.

Teacher Kim finally laid her eyes on Jaemin, scanning him up and down and finally gasps when she saw red dots all over the boy’s body. She didn’t say anything anymore and just ushered the two students to the infirmary at the east wing.

That noon, Jeno ditched his second period to accompany Jaemin, soothing the boy down by holding his hand when he screamed because the nurse had rubbed his wound and cut with ointment and iodine. He also went home with Jaemin so he can help explain to Aunt Na why was her son coming home with red dots and many bandages on his body. Jeno had convinced the woman it was indeed wasn’t a fight, and Jaemin didn’t beat up anyone except for those barbaric, wicked ants.

 

 

\---

 

 

Jeno wasn’t sure what could have drawn him to the younger.

Perhaps it’s the way his eyes flicker whenever he felt excited to have Jeno for a sleepover because his parents weren’t home. Or maybe it’s the way he sleeps, so soundly as if the world is a safe place for someone as beautiful as him.

Maybe it’s after that one Summer holiday where he spent a month abroad for a holiday in the US with his parents, the feeling of longing and yearning slowly eating him up every morning because he misses the younger.

Maybe when he finally understood how missing someone for their absent does apply to Jaemin too, not just his parents. That hot Summer day in August when he was 13 years old, two days before Jaemin turns eleven, Jeno brought him back an Iron Man figures as souvenir and the younger gave him a warm hug when he returned, all smile that transfer right into Jeno’s little heart. He made a mental note to never went far from home again.

What Jeno could understand, though, is that things always seems right whenever he was with Jaemin. They talked about many things, too much to last a lifetime. Jaemin probably knows him better than his parents, and Jeno already knows what goes through his little sleepy mind.

Could find him hidden in the library, fast asleep with books abandoned by his side, the sun shining down on him and Jeno stays, standing with his body covering the lithe figure dozed out on the floor, letting the sun hit him instead until the younger woke, yawning away his sleepiness with a smile.

“Hi,” he said, yawning. Jeno moves to sit beside him, no longer standing as the sun still shines through the tall window.

“Donghyuck was looking for you, he said you gonna miss lunch.” he said, picking up what book Jaemin was reading until he got bored and fell asleep. It was a Knowledge Dictionary with a drawing of little Hitler and Beethoven as the cover.

“Did he called you again? I told him not to call you if I’m missing though,” Jaemin said. Leaning his head on Jeno’s shoulder who sits beside him. Both narrowing their eyes as the afternoon sun blinding down on them.

“It’s the first day of school, Jaemin Ah. You just became a middle schooler. How could you missed lunch?”

Jaemin just closed his eyes. “I got distracted.” He said, hugging both of his knees while his head still rest on Jeno’s shoulder. As if he Remembered something, he quickly got up, staring right into Jeno’s eyes. “Wait, if i missed lunch, don’t you skip it too?”

“Yeah. But, i got us sandwich, here,” Jeno reached out behind him, pulling out a paper bag with two sandwiches and two bottles of orange juice he got from the school convenience store. “I was kinda waiting for you to taste the school lunch, though. I’ve told you they made the most delicious bulgogi on Monday.”

“Oh the one that made by the pretty Noona?” Jaemin said and Jeno nodded. He did say that Ji Hye Noona is pretty when he told Jaemin the other day. Jaemin then reaches his hand to accept what Jeno gave him, drinking the juice first. “I’ve met her this morning, i think. She gave me kimbab.”

Jeno eyes widen, but he’s not entirely surprised. Jaemin somehow always managed to enchant older girls and ended up with candy and sweets. Like that time when he went to the hospital to treat his broken back because he fell while playing badminton, and somehow went home with candies from the nurses because they thought Jaemin was so charming.

Jeno couldn’t blame them, though.

“How come she never gave me kimbab too? I’ve been here longer than you.” Jeno asked, taking his first bite of tuna sandwich.

“Maybe because you never compliment her new pin for the day, or helping her carries the bulgogi you were talking about all the way to the hall.” Jaemin said, finally biting down on his teriyaki sandwich. He holds out his hand to brush the corner of Jeno’s mouth where bread crumbs were slipping out of his lips. “Can we even eat here? It’s a library.”

Jeno hides a smile by drinking his milk, glad it was almost a habit for both of them to take care of each other like that, or he might have already blush. “I’m friends with the librarian, he lets me eat here from time to time.”

“Really?” Jaemin said. “I’ll be his friend too, then.”

Jaemin indeed became friends with the librarian, they eat kimbab together the next day and even brought his friend, Donghyuck and the new kid, Renjun, at lunch. Jeno wondered if there were even anyone in the world that didn’t like Jaemin. Or even stop loving him. If there is, well, Jeno is open to some suggestion to stop his overly crazy beating heart.

 

 

\---

 

 

“Someone kissed me today.” Jeno’s hand stopped mid air, he was about to throw the basketball into the ring but what Jaemin said suddenly felt like a big punch onto his stomach.

They were both in an empty park near their neighborhood. It was a family park, with swings and a see saw in the corner and a medium size basketball court. Both Jeno and Jaemin happens to love going to that same park since they were kids, even when sometimes Jeno went accompanying Jaemin to the badminton court near Yongsan.

Now Jeno is in his second year of high school, while Jaemin just become a senior in middle school, and winning his first match as a badminton player. He didn’t say anything for a moment, and Jaemin had his eyes fixed on the older boy. Fidgeting his finger at the side of the court. He didn’t really enjoy basketball as much as Jeno, but he’s always there to watch Jeno practice for his matches, sometimes he plays at the swing or sit at one side of the see saw, sometimes he joins Jeno at the court and try pathetic shoot to the ring.

Jeno finally throws the ball he’s been neglecting to the ring, he missed it and the ball bounces to the side. Watching the ball vanished through the bushes and didn’t even make a move to get it back, he turns his head to the younger boy, sweat dripping on the back of his t-shirt and at the side of his face, he brushes a messy locks of black hair to the back. “Did you like it?” He finally let out a voice. _Did you like them_.

Jaemin shrugged, folded his hand in his chest and stared back at Jeno. “I don’t know. It was too sudden, my mind went blank.” He said as Jeno went closer. “She went up to me with her friends, gave me a box of chocolate and when her friends left, she leans closer and peck me on the lips, said she likes me and ran, i didn’t even have time to answer.”

Jeno lets his eyes wander anywhere but to the younger, especially not to his lips. He didn’t even care if he looked stupid with disgusting sweat trailing down his clothes or reddening face from the excessive amount of throwing the ball before. He was angry, because that girl probably kissed Jaemin without his consent, leaving him confused right there and then. Jeno’s not even sure if he gets to be angry, if a friend supposed to feel what he is feeling right now. Because he wants to either strangled someone’s head or just yelled at them for kissing Jaemin.

Jeno let out a loud sigh, pretending he was just tired from practice, because that’s what he does best. Pretending. He put his head down, both hands on his hips. “Well, you finally got your first kiss now, huh.” It feels like what a friend would say, especially since Jaemin always gushed about having his first kiss and how would it feels like while Jeno was having a little mental breakdown because all he wanted to do was exactly that, having his first kiss with the boy he likes. Jaemin grimaces, still playing with his fingers.

“Doesn’t felt like a kiss to me.” Jaemin said with a pout, and Jeno chuckles.

They were about five meters away from each others and Jeno moves forward, rubbed the top of Jaemin’s head. “How do you even know what a kiss supposed to feel like?” He said, and run back to get his missing ball in the bushes.

“I thought i’m gonna have mine with the one i like, at least.” Jeno finally gets the ball he tried to find under the bushes, but he didn’t immediately stride back to Jaemin’s sides, instead dribbling the ball a few times.

“You don’t like her?” He asked.

“I barely know her, she’s not even in my class.” Jaemin said, staring at Jeno.

“Then why don’t you try to get to know her?” Jaemin went quite. Jeno shoots the ball, it went in this time.

“Should i?” Jaemin asked. Jeno just nodded. He decided to stop, going back to Jaemin’s side, holding the basketball. Jaemin throws him a water bottle and Jeno catches it with ease.

“Have you?” Jaemin said, looking at Jeno who is now drinking from the water bottle.

“Have i what?” Jeno shots back, wiping out a drop of water that’s dripping out of his lips.

“Kiss someone.” Jaemin was looking at him, Jeno doesn’t even dare to look at him when he said, “No.”

The younger of the two nodded, now gazing at the empty court in front of him.

“Then, don’t you want to? Kiss someone, i mean.”

_So much_.

Jeno wanted to curse, he wanted to say that _yes_ , he did want to kiss someone _and that someone happens to be you because you are so beautiful and your lips looks lonely and i just want to erase what have been somebody’s lips whereas it was supposed to be mine._

But instead, he let out a, “maybe.”

_Coward_.

Jaemin laughed, then. “I think we all did, huh.” He said. “Do you want to eat ice cream? I suddenly wanted something sweet.”

Jeno just nodded again, he picked up his sling bag from the floor, throwing the water bottle that belongs to Jaemin to the younger own bag and packed it up, giving it to the boy who put it on his shoulder immediately. “Yeah, let’s go.” He stated.

They both got on their bikes, pedaling to the nearest convenience store to get a cold ice cream. Jeno got the melon flavour one while Jaemin got his usual watermelon ice because he can't eat milk, and brought back two other strawberry flavour for Jaemin’s sisters, they didn’t ride their bike home, instead walking side by side, one grip on the pedal and the other holding the sweet desserts.

They talked about Jeno’s basketball team match next week and Jaemin’s high school entrance exam next Monday. Talked about Jaemin’s new friend, Chenle, who just transferred from China and Renjun’s old friend who is in sophomore year. Also the tall looking boy, Jisung, whom he met on the badminton match last month and still a junior.

All the while with Jeno’s mind still preoccupied by what’s the younger was telling him before. After all, Jeno is the master at hiding. Maybe it’s not just Jaemin who hides and couldn’t be found, maybe it’s him too. With a shits ton of feelings.

The next week, the girl that kissed Jaemin is announcing to the whole school that she got her first kiss with her boyfriend, Na Jaemin.

Jeno went home alone, he remembered he didn't go outside of his room until midnight, playing games on his PlayStation as a distraction.

But god knew who was he trying to fool.

 

 

\---

 

 

“Until when will you keep this a secret?” Jeno glanced at Mark who sat beside him, he holds the game controller tighter, getting a little clue on what his friend were saying.

Mark had his eyes focused on the television where they play games. It was a warm day with a hint of moving clouds in the bright sky, their second year at high school just ended and they should welcome their third year in about a month.

Despite the pressure of the upcoming bar exams he should started to prepare, Jeno took the time out of his many tutoring to play games with his friend. Originally, he didn't really care about the exams, up until last month when his mother said to him that if he really wanted to become someone specializing in Law like his parents, there's no other way than to study. So, yeah, he was a little adamant about studying lately.

“What secret?” Jeno asked innocently. Eyes trailed back to the tv in front.

“You really don't want to hide this from me, man. Because if you haven't realized yet, i have two perfectly functioning eyes.” Mark said. “And a tingling senses.”

Jeno let out a nervous laughed. “What are you even saying, Morkle? What tingling senses?”

“I don't know, the fact that you like your best friend more than a friend?” Jeno’s hand stop playing, he can see his character got shot by the enemies and Mark started to curse, because Jeno just caused them to lose the game.

“You are insane.” Jeno said slowly. Not believing on what he just heard before.

“And you are an annoying bitch. You got us killed!” Mark shouts, eyebrow knitted in distressed.

Jeno shakes his head, finally realizing that yes, he is being a fool and got them to lose the game. “Oh, sorry.” He said, and dropped the controller to the side. “But you are insane.”

“No. You are in denial.”

“No, I'm not. What you said is crazy, I'm not in love with you.” Jeno said.

Mark widen his eyes, not believing what he just heard from his friend and hit his head, Jeno hissed, let out a, “fuck that hurts.”

“Shut up.” Mark said. “Stop being dumb. You know who i meant,” he continue, restarting the game, but playing on a single mode this time, because Jeno is dumb and useless and probably still stuck making reasons on how he can fool himself.

Jeno sigh, looking at the screen where Mark already start playing again, mercilessly sending out a bunch of shots to the enemies. “It's not like that, whatever you are thinking.”

Mark snorts. “But you have someone in mind, don't you? Cause I didn't really say any names.”

Jeno reaches back for his controller, clicking the restart button so he can play again, ignoring Mark’s protests, but the guy soon still join him, continuing the game.

“Are you feeling the classic, Jeno?” Mark said after a while.

“What classic? Stop being cryptic.”

“Stop ignoring my question, then,” Mark said, eyes trained on the TV. “You know the classic ‘i won't ruined our friendship just because i fell in love with my best bro so i hide it and get sad’ type of bullshit.”

“Why are you being like this? You are usually wiser.” Jeno answered.

“Nah, this is me saving your ass and knock some senses into your thick skull.” Mark said. “And take that building, I'll kill those airheads.” He said, chin pointed at the left part on the TV.

Jeno does as he is told. But he went quite, and this time, though, Mark doesn't push more. After about twenty minutes of a solid gunshots and repeated words from the game, they both finished with a win.

Jeno and Mark finally put down both of their controller, Jeno sits with both his hands rest on his lap, slowly washing out the distressed on his face. While Mark just looked at him with a straight face, probably with pity too.

“What do you suggest I'll do, then?” Jeno said, lifting his head to look at the paused mode screen. “You are aware that Jaemin could react like you did before, right? When i thought you said I'm in love with you? I treasured him. So no, I'm not gonna let my feelings get him away from me.”

Mark let out a loud sigh, he didn't purposely do that, but confronting Jeno about his love life was unexpectedly draining. “Listen,” Mark started. “I know you are afraid to lose him. But he is not me. I reacted like that because you are being dumb and annoying.” He said, slowly putting his hand on Jeno’s shoulder. “And i know i didn't understand Jaemin as much as you do, but i know he won't leave you, for like, any reason. So why don't you try to ease the pain, Jeno? He is single now, take your shot.”

“He's not gay.”

“You don’t know that. Maybe he is in denial as much as you are, and he'll realize later on. Once he found out you are like, his soul mate or something.”

This time, Jeno’s laughed was a sarcastic one. “How can you be so sure?”

“Because you both were apparently think you are slick enough to fool everyone. But no, like i said, i have eyes and both of your eyes speak the same. So save yourself, and Jaemin too, okay? He probably just need a push.”

Jeno shakes his head. “It's not that simple, not if the possibility of him getting hurt because of my feelings are there, and he'll feel responsible because of it. I’m fine being like this with him.”

Mark sighed again. “Okay, I give up. Do whatever you want.” He said. “But don't you think Jaemin can handle his own feelings? He doesn't need you to protect him so he wouldn't be hurt, Jeno. He is not a kid." Mark said. "And don't go around with that heavy heart again. If you believe that you and him could never work as more than a friend, then adjust. Open up to someone new, move on. I'm starting to get sad whenever you look at Jaemin and giving him this frustrated look whenever you think he's not looking.” Now Mark is making faces, frowned eyebrows with expression like a kicked puppy.

Jeno lifts up his head to face Mark. “Wow, you think you know how the world and feelings works so much, huh, Mark? How about that girl from music class? Or that loud tall guy from Hongkong that can't stop laughing? You know how to handle them?”

“Are you implying I'll have an amazing poly relationship with them? Because that's what I'm gonna do.” Mark said with ease, Jeno is confused why his friend suddenly this confident.

“Or they’d think you are just cheating on them.” Jeno remarks.

“Not if they agrees with me and the burning relationship we can have.” Mark said again, seriously, Jeno is confused why his friend acted like this, probably because lately he's been hanging out with Jaemin’s friend, Donghyuck, who sometimes has a wild ideas and thoughts.

“Ugh, you sure you are okay, Morkle? You know I'll support you for whatever it is, right?”

“I'll accept your support, thank you.” Mark said, lifting up his hand on Jeno’s shoulder and pushing his weight to rest on the surface of the sofa.

Jeno looked at his friend who's face looking up to the ceiling with head rests on the sofa. “You've been hanging out with Donghyuck, though, i thought you guys are gonna be together.”

Mark lift his head, facing Jeno, and giving him another straight face, but his eyebrows slowly rising like he is in a realization. “Hyuck...is fine with himself. He doesn't want to be with anyone right now.”

Jeno got the hint. “Oh.” He said. “But you asked him out, did you?”

Mark nods. “Yeah. Doesn't matter. I understand his feeling, and moved on. I like his company though, and he said he is okay if we stayed friends, so it’s all good.” He said. “Oh, by the way, do you want me to introduce you to someone? He is gay too and handsome, i met him in the studio where i practice my rap, and he is cool.”

Jeno, not thinking, said, “sure.”

 

 

\---

 

  

His name was Jungwoo. A boy a year older than Jeno and Mark’s supposedly rap supervisor, Lee Taeyong’s brother.

Jungwoo now currently enrolled as a music student in one of the university in Austria, enjoying his summer break to spent with his family and usually helping Taeyong organized his music studio.

Jungwoo is nice, almost too nice.

And Mark was right, he is handsome with a gentle smile and blinding pair of brown eyes. Jeno likes his voice, though, just like his smile, he sounds gentle and shy. On their first date which happen a week after his talk with Mark and a couple of awkward text messages, they decided to went on a walk at Han river while enjoying the warm sun and Jungwoo’s little picnic lunch he made himself.

So they walk, talk, laugh, and eat lunch. Jeno decides he likes him when their conversation fell on the topic of which animal their past life could be.

“You'll be a cat, no, a kitten.” Jungwoo said, grabbing a hat out of his bag and put it on because the warm sun has finally heated up.

“Oh my god, why.” Jeno said and make a fake surprised face.

“I don't know. You seems like you'll meows every time you are in distressed and piss everywhere.” Jungwoo answered.

“Wow. That’s a very specific description of a kitten.” Jeno smiled. “But I'll grow, right? If I'm a kitten then I'll be a big cat too.”

“Sure.” Jungwoo said. “What do you think i was?”

Jeno pretended to think, when he actually already had the answer. Patting his chin with his fingers. “A cat.”

Jungwoo laughed then, “why does everybody said that! Literally every single person i asked said i was a cat. At this point, i truly will believe it.”

“Cats aren’t that bad.” Jeno said, eyeing the banana milk left unfinished at his side, and then proceeded to drink it.

“I know. Cats are the best animal.”

Finishing his now empty milk bottle, Jeno shakes his head. “No, dogs are the best animal.”

Jungwoo looks at him in disbelief. “Shut up. Dogs are horrible and they bite.”

“But cat bites too, they just don't have the bigger and sharper teeth to actually caused you to bleed or have rabies.” Jeno said, laughing.

“Congratulations, you just perfectly describe why exactly cats are better than dogs.” Jungwoo said sarcastically, but he is laughing too.

They both look at each other's eyes while still laughing at their lame arguments, and Jeno might have moved a little closer to brush their fingers together. Maybe it's because the sun and how he felt at ease, how he felt comfortable and happy today. He didn't look away when they share a curious stare, an exchange so strong Jeno is willing to move forward.

The kiss happened in a flash. It was a fleeting moments without hesitation, without too much thinking, and Jeno just embrace it, enjoying the lips against his own, feeling like he can actually do this forever, likes the softness and the skin against his own, the pressing lingering small touches on his face and neck.

When they pulled apart, Jeno was already breathless, Jungwoo flashed him a smile. The gentle smile, and he turned forward again, looking at the river while still smiling, because Jeno can see it, can feel it.

But he also feels  _it_.

The guilt.

As if he had cheated.

As if he was betraying someone.

He looked back at the day when Jaemin told him some girl just kissed him after confessing her love. He looked back at the time where he slept on his bed, thinking how nice would it be to have your first kiss with someone like Jaemin. To have seen the boy eyelashes up close without even an inch of distance.

Jeno knew he didn't betrayed anyone.

He didn't betrayed Jaemin.

The only one he betrayed, was himself.

 

 

\---

 

 

 

“You are gonna make me cry.” Jungwoo said, burying his face on Jeno’s shoulder even though he is taller than him. “I don't wanna go now.”

Jeno places his hand on Jungwoo’s back, rubbing it slowly. “You kinda have to.”

Jungwoo had his face still hidden behind Jeno as he mumbles, “I can cancel my flight, don't tell Taeyong Hyung though, and kidnap me.”

Jeno laughed, embracing Jungwoo in his hold now.

“You do realize that I'm right here and can hear that, right? Mom is gonna murder me after she murdered you.” That was Taeyong who stood in front of them with a rolling of his eyes, he slide Jungwoo’s suitcase to the back and sits on top of it.

Jungwoo finally lets go of Jeno, still frowned and looked sad. “See, he doesn't mind.” He said, flicking his eyes to his brother.

“I do, actually.” Taeyong said with an unamused expression. “Can you let go of your boyfriend now? I'm starting to get jealous.”

Jungwoo let out a laugh. “Jeno doesn't want to be my boyfriend, though.” While making sure he gave a rolling eyes at Jeno, and then smile and walk to hug his brother.

Jeno looked at the brothers shared hug and prayers, wishing that he had a brother, or a sibling too. It must be lovely and he won't be lonely. He always get jealous with those people that are blessed with having siblings. Especially after he understands how amazing it was to have two adorable little sisters like Jae Ah and Jae Ri, Jaemin’s twin sisters. Or even playful but caring big brother like Taeyong.

Taeyong gave the suitcase to Jungwoo after parting, the boy who will continue his study was now walking towards Jeno again, and he sent him smiles. Jungwoo moved closer, and Jeno stayed. He stayed when Jungwoo was planting a chaste kiss on his forehead.

“Promise me something," Jungwoo said while pulling away, and Jeno just nods his head. “Be with me if he doesn't likes you back.”

Jeno let out a laugh. “As if you won't find a gorgeous man while you are going to go ‘study’, but then draw them like one of your french girls.”

Jungwoo frowned, but then he laughed too and let out a distress shout at his brother who said, “True.” At the back. He turned to face Jeno again.

“Promise me.”

“Okay.” Jeno finally said.

Jungwoo smile, and as the final call are blaring through the airport speaker, he go with his suitcase and his smile, waving at both Taeyong and Jeno.

As the back of his plaid black and white shirt finally disappear to a crowd of people, Taeyong had his car keys and circling it around his finger. “Let's go. I'll get you home.”

“Yeah.” Jeno said.

But he was sad.

He hated goodbyes.

 

 

\---

 

 

  

“Nana, NO.” Jeno shouts from inside his room, head peeking out with horror expression painting his face, looking out at Jaemin who tried to climb his railing from below.

“Ugh, no--”

And then the boy fell.

“Fuck.” Jeno hissed, and then turned back to leave his room and get to his best friend who stupidly tried to climb a freaking house just by holding on to the railing. He skips the stairs twice at once, it's a good thing Jaemin managed to fall just a few centimeters from the ground, because he literally failed on the first try.

“Are you okay?” Jeno asked as he rushed out from inside his house, turning left to where Jaemin just laid on the grass, hands spread out and looking up to the starry night sky.

“I want to sleep here.”

“Is your back okay? Are you hurt-- wait, what?” Jeno said in disbelief, bent his knees and kneels in front of the laying Jaemin, who stare lifelessly at the sky.

“I want to sleep here.” Jaemin repeated.

On the other days, Jeno would brush it off, he would have scolded Jaemin for his recklessness and get him inside. But today, he is not having any of it. Jaemin could've seriously gotten hurt from falling and Jeno is mad, shaking his head as his worries and anger comes rushing out.

“Don’t, ever do that again. You could've get seriously hurt! Your back won't be okay. Fuck, it already isn't, okay! Stop getting hurt! What did you promise me before? Are you just gonna break your promise to me now? Is that it? You want to hurt me that bad?!”

“I'm sorry.”

“No, you are not. You just gonna play the same shits over and over again, don't you? How many times did it happened already?! How many times do i have to see you hurt yourself?!” Jeno went quite after that, still kneeling as he tried to sort out his anger, chest raising and falling in a fast rhythm.

“I’m sorry,” come Jaemin voice again after the passing minutes of Jeno trying to calm and make some senses, this time a little softer.

_Scared_.

And Jeno finally snapped out of it. Because he scared him, he shouted, he cursed, he _terrified_ him.

Jeno just stay still, head down and didn't dare to look up and see the disappointed look that's probably on the younger’s face.

Jeno promised him to never get mad. He promised himself to always protect Jaemin, to never let him be in distress. But he gave up to his anger and did the last thing he wanted to do.

“Jeno, forgive me.” Jaemin said, and Jeno is quiet. Keeping his head down. “Hey, hey. Why won't you forgive me? You are mad at me that bad?”

Jeno stills, he can't think.

There were a few moments of silent. Of terror, in Jeno's head, a constant battle with himself that he loses every time. He really didn't like what he did to Jaemin, he hate himself.

And then a touch his heart remembers slowly lift his face up, letting him look into Jaemin’s eyes. The eyes that should be filled with disappointment. With anger too. With betrayal. But Jeno didn't found any of it, he saw sadness, worry, and doesn't know if it's actually a good thing or not.

“Why are you crying?” He doesn't notice it, a couple of tears left out from his eyes and painting his face. But Jaemin did.

“I'm sorry,” Jaemin said again. And then he is being pulled in a tight embrace. His face buried in Jaemin’s chest as the familiar warmth surrounding him. Mending him, heals him.

“Please, I'm sorry. Stop crying. Please.” Jeno just sobs into the warmth, letting it to erase his pain, letting it to stay so he can be reminded, so he can forgive himself.

Because Jaemin begs for his forgiveness a few times now and that's the only thing that kept him from actually losing it.

“I'm sorry, Hyung. I don't mean to make you mad, i wasn't gonna climb, i swear. I just wanna see you, because you won't have any visitor today. But i need to see you. So i was being dumb. I'm sorry i scared you, okay? I'm sorry, please forgive me.”

Jeno finally looked up, even if it slows, putting back a torn pieces of himself that Jaemin just put back together. “I was...feeling down, so i thought i have some alone time for myself.” he said. He had stop crying, but Jaemin still held him close, so Jeno had to look up to meet the younger eyes. “I'm sorry i yelled at you, I'm sorry i let my anger win. You don't have to say sorry, it's my fault.”

"I know you want to protect me, and you can, I'll protect you in return. But I'm not made of porcelain, you have to understand that." Jaemin said.

Jeno is silent, he was reminded about what Mark said to him the other day.

And then Jaemin was the one that broke the silent, once again. "I'm not hurt, too." He said, opening up his arms as wide whilst shaking his head. “You can inspect my body if you want!”

Jeno almost choked, but he kept his calm, and actually searched if Jaemin had any injury. There was none, but a fews dirt on his red t-shirt and brown training pants.

“Try to not scare me like that again. Just talk to me, okay?” Jeno said, getting a nod from the younger.

“You like him, don't you?” Come Jaemin voice. “That boy that Mark introduce you to and spent time the rest of the summer with? The one that left abroad this morning?”

“What?”

“Jungwoo. Your boyfriend. He left this morning.” Jaemin answered.

Jeno laughed, finally able to piece together what the younger said. “He's not my boyfriend, silly. He's a good friend.”

“A good friend that makes you mope around all day and be sad? Are you sad because you won't see him again?”

Jeno smiles, resting his back on the walls of his front house. “Yeah.” He said after Jaemin flops down beside him, also resting his back. “But it's not like i can't see him again, he probably comes home for Christmas.”

“So you do like him.”

Jeno let out a laugh. “Kinda, he is nice.”

“So he is...your boyfriend now?” Jaemin said, and Jeno just look at the stars in the sky, sighing deeply.

“We’re not exclusive. He's a good guy, but i don't think we can work it out.” Jeno answered.

Jaemin followed Jeno and looked up to the night sky, a canvas full of twinkling star lights and the moon hung lowly. “Why?” he asked.

Jeno stared at Jaemin besides him who still looked up, his long eyelashes are clearly visible even in the dark, lips slightly parted as his two brown pair of eyes looked in awe, looking mesmerized by the magical moon and stars. And Jeno just stared, leaning his head back while the lords know that this boy was the one that takes his breath away, bringing his sanity elsewhere and never planning to return it.

You.

_I can't let go of you. You surrounded my mind, making it crowded with your smile, with your eyes, with those damn eyes. The same pair that always haunt my sleepless night, or my reality. Everytime i close my eyes, or open them, you are there. Loving you does nothing but torn me and piece me back together. Does that makes sense, Nana? Tell me how to stop._

“You are gonna hate me for this.” Jeno said, and Jaemin stared at him.

_But i don't want to stop. Can't you see? I can't because i don't want to. Loving you was never a choice,_

_I will always completely, honestly, truly, sincerely,_

Jaemin blinked his eyes, about to say something.

“Because i love you.”

And he held Jaemin’s face in his hands, bringing it closer to his face and finally, kissed him. To try. To just try his luck. Because he can't do this anymore. If the goddess of luck, of love, of whatever fortunes are hearing his prayer right now, he hoped they heard his pleading. And let this boy loves him too.

The first press of his lips against Jaemin’s burn every inch of Jeno. But it’s Jaemin, he will always heals Jeno in returns.

_Please_.

He caressed the face in his hand, trying to ease the pain, to let go of the rushes of blood in his veins and just pray.

_Love me_.

He hoped for a smile, but he felt tears.

Jeno pulled apart from Jaemin to see the younger face in tears.

"I'm sorry," Jaemin sobbed. "Hyung i'm sorry. I--"

Jeno dropped his body, staring at Jaemin who hung his head.

"I don't know how...i don't understand my feelings. I don't--" Jaemin continued. "I like girls, i don't think i like--" he stopped to brushed his tears away. "Jeno i'm sorry i don't want you to be hurt, i'm sorry."

And it's just tears. Streaming down his face, his cheeks, his glass stained eyes, now in tears.

"Hey, hey, okay, enough." Jeno said slowly, he didn't know if he was allowed to touch Jaemin in anyway, so he didn't. "I'm sorry, it's okay, we are okay. Forget what i said, we are okay. I'm sorry i--" he stopped, can't bring himself to say it, but he needs to. "I'm sorry i kissed you, you didn't deserve that."

"No, no, no. How could you say that? Hyung i'm sorry, i don’t know--" he sobbed again, and this time, Jeno held him in his arms, just how he knew he would embrace the younger all those time they had been together as best friends, just how his heart knew how. “I don’t wanna hurt you.”

Jeno let Jaemin sobbed in his chest, stroking the back of his head.

Jeno sighed, he looked up to the moon staring blankly at him. There’s no tears falling down his cheeks even if he wanted to. “And you don’t. I understand, we are okay. You heard me? You and i are okay, and will always be. My feelings won’t get in between anything from us. You don’t hurt me, it’s okay.”

“Hyung i’m--”

“Stop, okay? I said it’s fine. I’ll get you home, come on, get up, Nana.”

Jaemin lifted up his head to brush another set of tears escaping his almost puffy eyes. Jeno tried to makes things easier for him, so he did what would he do exactly if he never said his feelings before, he brushed the tears.

“Your eyes are so puffy now, what are you gonna do if your mom saw? She’ll blame me.”

“We’re okay, right, hyung?” Jaemin said after awhile, finally looked at him to what felt like a lifetimes past.

Jeno held his breath.

“Always.”

 

 

\---

 

 

“Is Jaemin upstairs, Eomma?” Jeno greeted the woman who was cooking a warm samgyetang in the kitchen. He just saw Jae Ah and Jae Ri in the living room, both were doing their math homework and Jeno were helping the ten years old twins to solve their equations problem before he heads up to find Jaemin.

“Yes,” Miran, Jaemin’s mother had said. “He’s been doing homework all day. Where have you’ve been, Jeno ya? I didn’t see you since school started. Chaemi and Manshik are home aren’t they?” she said, still focusing on her dish.

Jeno nodded even when the woman can’t see him, purposely ignoring the first question. “Yes, Eomma. They just got back, maybe mom will visit you after she’s done unpacking.”

“That’d be nice, let’s have dinner together since i cook a lot anyway.”

Jeno told her that he will surely love to eat her samgyetang. “I’ll go upstair then,” he said, bowing a little.

After the night of confessing his feeling to his best friend, Jeno had taken everything into account. Especially how he interacted with the younger. What his heart wanted was to be near him, to care for, and loving him, but he needed to draw the line now. There’s nothing blurry in their relationship anymore beside friendship, and that means whatever it is that Jeno was feeling, it has to be platonic.

He didn’t draw himself away from the younger, had told Jaemin that surely nothing will change, but he also needed time to stay away for a little bit, to adjust and forgive what he had done. Jaemin had said that no, he didn’t do anything wrong. And Jeno had said it still wasn’t a nice thing to do. He had kissed him without his consent out of desperation, had done the same thing he hated a few years back when Jaemin’s ex girlfriend had done the same thing.

And so he beg Jaemin that maybe some things need to be different, but that doesn’t mean he won’t care about the younger like before, he just needed to make sure how his brain can think straight without his heart interfering and maybe busying himself with something else.

“Hey,” Jeno said as he closed the door.

Jaemin looked up from the book that he had open on his study table, a clear frustrated look on his face as he saw Jeno moving closer to where he sat. “Hey, Hyung,” he said.

“You have a test?”

Jaemin sighed. “I don’t know, but Teacher Kim said he would have a quiz for Math tomorrow and if any of us got it bad, we will have to take the additional class. How ridiculous is that?”

“Kim Myungsoo?”

Jaemin nodded.

“That’s Kim Teacher for you. Only Mark managed to never failed his test.”

“How about you?”

“I sit with Mark, what do you think?”

Jaemin rolled his eyes, and Jeno laughed.

“How long have you been studying?”

“Since 10 AM. Is it 3 PM already?”

Jeno nodded. “Can i talk to you for a second? You’ve studied enough, i think.”

“Sure,” Jaemin said, and he closed his book.

Jeno sat on the edge of Jaemin’s bed, the bed that he had slept on a countless night. Realizing and trying to figure out his feelings, his butterfly flying in his stomach, and why won’t it went away.

He waited for Jaemin to sit beside him, before he started with a sighed.

Jaemin frowned. “What? Why are you sighing? Is there something wrong? Is it because of that night? Hyung i--”

“No, no, no,” Jeno shushed him, ushered him to sat down. “It’s not that, i’ve told you to leave that in the past, i’m okay.” he said, and nodded when Jaemin said sorry to him, before continuing. “I’m going to study abroad.”

“What?”

Jeno already seen it coming, but he surely didn’t expected Jaemin to frowned like he is angry.

“I’m sorry i just told you this now, it wasn’t my choice, but mom and dad firm had opened a new branch in Japan and they are both in charge of it. They had a friend, there, a professor teaching Law in University and they wanted me to learn many things from him to become a great lawyer. So they also enrolled me in one of the international class, i surprisingly passed the test.”

Jaemin was quiet. The most silent he got from him.

“How long?” He asked, eyes empty. “The test. How long have you passed it?”

“Last week.”

Jaemin had his head hung, eyes bore fiercely into the floor as if it had the wrong. When he didn’t hear any answer or another sets of question, Jeno bent down to look at the younger who had his eyes closed, containing his feeling.

“Are you moving away?”

Jeno sighed. “Yes. But our house will remain here, mom won’t sell it so when we came here again i can--”

Jeno stopped speaking as he was attacked with a tight hug, an embrace so hard it almost suffocated him.

“Hyung, is it because of me? Are you trying to get far away from me? You don’t have to do this, stay.”

Jeno returned the embrace, _i can do this_. He assured himself.

“No, silly,” he said, voice steady. “Mom made me do this, she said she can’t bear to be so far away from her son again, at least now she can take care of me closer even if i don’t have to be supervised anymore.”

“But i will miss you,” Jaemin said slowly, he was crying, tears dropped on Jeno’s shirt. “I already miss you.”

Jeno took a deep breathe, “I know. I will miss you so much too, and Jae Ri, Jae Ah, Eomma, even your mouthy friend Donghyuck or that loud kid Chenle. But i will miss you the most, you know that, right?” he said softly, stroking the back of Jaemin’s head. “And i will be back all the time, maybe we won’t meet as often as we do now, but i will always come home. To you.”

Jaemin just cried harder.

And Jeno held him close, like he can hold his world tighter. Because Jaemin _is_ his world, getting away from him wouldn’t take much gravity to pulled him into his own destruction.

But he needed to do this.

“Sleep with me tonight.”

“I can’t sleepover, my parents are home.”

“Then i’ll sleep at yours.”

“You have a test tomorrow.”

“Who cares! I’ll take that damn additional class for the whole year, who cares!”

“Okay, okay, you can sleep with me tonight.”

They went quiet again, heavy breathing and muffled cries, endurance and anger.

“When?”

“Next March.”

“So in three months?”

Jeno nodded and Jaemin started to pulled out of his embrace, but he just wanted to hold him close again.

“You won’t even be here for your birthday, or mine.” Jaemin said. Eyes swollen as he wiped his tears.

“We can do video call, that will work. And i would just be two hours flight away.” Jeno said.

“We would still be an ocean apart, that’s not the same.” Said Jaemin, looking at Jeno with sad eyes.

“I know.” Jeno said, just trying to say something, because honestly, he didn’t really want to say anything anymore.

“Will you live here again, or is it permanently?”

“I don’t know. I’ll find a way to be close to you no matter what.”

“I’ll wait for you.”

When the night came, Jaemin did slept with Jeno on his bed. They had shared a bed together since they were kids, had known each other nightmare closely to their souls to chase it away, but that night were different, because they knew that they will not be doing this so often anymore.

Of course the sleepy Jaemin fell asleep first, after they shared stares with each other around the comfortable silence, facing each other.

Jeno wanted to shut his world out, turned it upside down, shake it around, anything.

He just wanted this to stop.

_I wanted to stop loving you_ . He said after Jaemin fell deep on his dreams. _Let me try this_.

 

 

\---

 

 

The loud buzzing of people, airplanes, dragged suitcases, and hurtful goodbyes blaring across the airport. Jeno stayed still, keeping Jaemin’s head on his shoulder in place, protecting him from the loud world as much as he can with his hands both folded in his chest, but that didn’t really do much as the younger had slept like he usually would: soundly, like he won’t face any danger.

Their family, both Jaemin’s and Jeno’s had giving them space for half an hour knowing how close they were and kindly going to the restaurant to had some lunch before the plane took off for another hour. They didn’t talk about anything, and Jaemin fell asleep for the past 15 minutes in Jeno’s shoulder after they talked about what they want for each other’s birthdays.

“I want you to write me a letter every year.” Jaemin said, earning himself a raised eyebrow from Jeno who said, “Like a postcard? Who does that anymore? There’s email.” but still nodded anyway, because that’s what the younger wanted.

“Uh, i want you to call me.”

“Are you underestimating me? Couldn’t you asked for more effort or material?”

Jeno shrugged. “It’s the thoughts that matters.”

“Fine. I’ll call you when the clock strikes 12, and when the day leaves 23 April there.”

And Jaemin had fell asleep after staring at different people that walk in front of them as they sat in the waiting area, they had a little bet, to wherever these people were going each time they came with various outfits and suitcases.

When their family found them, Jeno wakes Jaemin up by softly stroking his cheeks, even when Jae Ri and Jae Ah were quickly hugging him and Jeno like they used to before they gain a lot of weight after growing up.

Jeno lifted Jae Ah, trying to looked strong before he immediately dropped the little girl back to the floor again because she was too heavy for him, making everyone laughed.

“Weak Jeno!” Jae Ah had mocked.

“Jeno Oppa! Be respectful to your elders, Jae Ah.” Said Jaemin correcting her, holding Jae Ri hand in his, who giggles because of her sister that got scolded.

“You called him Hyung.” Said Jae Ah, pouting.

“I’m a boy, of course i called him Hyung.” Jaemin had said softly, brushing off Jae Ah bangs that started to cover her forehead a little.

“Can i call you Hyung too?” Jae Ah say, looking up to Jeno.

Jeno pretend to think hard. “Will you miss me then?”

Jae Ah giggles. “I already misssss youuuuu, Jeno Hyung!” The little girl said, and Jeno laughed, nodding his head and quickly hug her who wrapped his arms around Jeno’s neck after the call to their flights is being called and it’s finally time, to say goodbye, to say there will be next time.

Everyone shared their goodbyes and hugs to Jeno and his parents, Miran and Chaemi even cried ugly tears when they hug, since they have known each other so long and shared a lot of stories together. With Chaemi helping her to settled Miran’s case after her divorce with her past husband, Jaemin and the twins father.

And finally, it was their turn.

Jaemin hug him first, almost jumped to buried his face in Jeno’s shoulder, and like what Jae Ah did before, wrapped his hands around Jeno’s neck tightly, like he was unwilling to let go.

“Don’t cry,” Jeno whispered so they would be the only one to hear, stroking his back.

“Why can’t you cry? Won’t you miss me?” Jaemin said, already pushing back his sniffling sobs.

“You know well i will miss you the most.” Jeno said, sighing through Jaemin’s hair, trying to remember how he smell for him to keep the days ahead.

“You won’t forget me, right?”

Jeno felt like his breath hitched in his throat.

_I’m sorry, i’m trying to now_.

“I won’t.”

“I’ll cut your hair bald if you do.”

“I doubt it, but okay.”

“I’ll miss you, so much.”

“I will too, take care of yourself. Don’t, please don’t fall asleep in dangerous places anymore. Promise me this, Nana. Promise you won’t be hurt and i won’t hear any news of you getting anymore injury.” Jeno had said, because it was all he needed.

“Okay, i promise.” Jaemin said, he went quiet for awhile before muttering something so small, almost missed by Jeno’s ears; “I think i l--” but then he quickly shook his head and Jeno let him be.

When they finally came apart, the whole family is smiling at them. Jae Ri and Jae Ah even laughed at Jaemin tears left on the corner of his eyes who he tried to wipe quickly. And Jeno had messed the twins ponytails, saying; “Don’t tease your Oppa, babies. He’ll cry harder.”

The twins just laughed, but then they cried when Jaemin buried his head on his mom's shoulder next, trying to find solace. As a result, Jeno had to comfort them by hugging the girls together before he finally left, holding his backpack as his dad circle his arm around his shoulder.

Jeno waved his hands, trying to smile as Jaemin waved him back.

_I love you_. Jeno would had said.

_So much_. He would had whispered.

_I’m trying to stop now_. He had think.

_But it hurts_. He had felt.

 

<< loading... >>

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I will always completely, honestly, truly, sincerely," << inspired from Love, Rosie.
> 
> Twitter: @twopastone


	2. AFTER

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The educational system was solely based on my knowledge, so very sorry if i get anything wrong u.u

****_“Maybe I felt it all alone_

_Maybe I was afraid_

_To find that you're where I belong_

_And say the words i left unsaid_

_Now I try to deny this feeling_

_Who am I kidding?_

_Who are you kidding?_

_You're the song that won't stop playing_

_You're the part that keeps repeating_

_Sing it all over again_

_Like a refrain_

_You're my refrain.”_

 

\- Refrain by Afgan -

 

* * *

 

 

The first night Jeno moved away, Jaemin had blame himself. Had slept and try to distracted his mind with the new approaching year as a sophomore in high school, intended on busying himself by being more active in school activities.

Jeno had called him before he slept, notifying him that they have finally arrived since noon but he still needs to sleep with his parents for the night because his room hadn’t got any bed yet.

Jaemin had told him about how the rest of his day went, how lonely he was and how he wished he can hug him. Jeno had laughed, and he can picture how his face were, his eye smile, his scrunched nose, his moles on the right side of his cheek and eyes, and Jaemin had missed it all.

Maybe there would be a lot of change he needed to adjust after they parted, that he won’t be seeing his best friend everyday anymore.

He remembered the first time they’ve ever separated was when they were still kids, Jeno 15 and Jaemin 13. It’s a month full of loneliness, he hadn’t got any friends to spent the holiday with, meanwhile Jeno was accompanying his parents to the US. He didn’t remembered how he survived even then.

“Hug me,” he said to the telephone.

“How?”

“I don’t know. I can crossed the ocean for you, would you wait?”

“Yeah,”

Their conversation never stopped, for the first week, the first month, or another months after that, they always called each other, sometimes Jae Ah, Jae Ri and his Mom joined on a shaky video calls via Skype, sometimes it just the two of them. Nevertheless, Jaemin missed him too much even for the technology to bear.

“What was that?” Donghyuck asked after his call was over.

The boy was having a sleepover at his house, now three months after Jeno moved and he started to get a hang on how this friendship work. Still missed him a lot, but it was more tolerable. They were both running as the student council president, everyone find it weird that the both of them even bother to outdo each other when they clearly will work together no matter what.

“It’s a phone call,” Jaemin said simply, put his phone down and looking through the book he had to read for tomorrow assignment.

“You are kidding, right?”

Jaemin looked at him confusedly. “What?”

“Why are you talking to him like that? You rejected him, how could you still have the heart to said that to him like you are his lover?”

Jaemin went quiet. He was reminded by the night where Jeno had kissed him, telling him he loved him. His heart had stopped beating, then. Confused would be an understatement because Jaemin felt like his world had shattered, ruptured beyond repair.

“I--”

Donghyuck sighed, looking a little sympathetic. “Look, Nana. i’m not trying to justify your action here. What i’m trying to say is he must be hurt because he can’t have you right now. If you don't plan to return his feelings, please be aware of his at least.”

Had he?

Was he so selfishly only think of how much he missed him to not care about Jeno’s feeling at all?

_Have i...hurt him?_

“Why...he didn't say--?”

“He promised you nothing will change, did he?”

Jaemin nodded.

“Then he will, he is keeping his promise to you. But you didn't think about how he felt at all if you said all those sweet things to him. Can you imagine having something you want so bad, and they are right there in front of you, but you weren't able to have them at all? Screw everyone that said love didn't have to belong, Nana. He wanted you, stop giving him hope. Stop torturing him.”

Jaemin sighed, wiping his exhaustion face with his hands. “I'm evil, aren't i?”

Donghyuck didn't said anything for awhile, just stare blankly at his friend. “No, you are human. You did things a human would do. Being selfish _is_ our nature.” He said. “But can i ask you something?”

Jaemin smile bitterly. “You will still asked me even if i said no.”

Donghyuck smile, but then it quickly changed into serious again. “Why did you rejected him? Is it because he is Lee Jeno, your bestfriend, or is it because you believe you are not gay?”

Jaemin widen his eyes.

_“Because i love you.”_

_Love._

_Lee Jeno,_

_Loves me?_

_What does that mean?_

_Aren't we friends?_

_But i love girls…?_

_Right?_

_“I'm sorry, hyung,”_

_“I like girls, i don't--”_

“Don't answer that,” Donghyuck said. “But it'd be good for you to think about, just consider about how you really feel, yeah?”

Jaemin nodded, a thousand weight being lifted up and thrown at his heart at the same time.

“What do you think should i do?” He asked quietly, head hung.

“Did he ask you to do something?”

 _No_. Jaemin shook his head.

“Did he wanted anything from you?”

 _He wanted me to not get hurt._ Another no.

Donghyuck smile a gentle one. “Then just be you, but a little advice; i think he started to draw his line now, in his own way, of course. You should do too, feelings are complicated, Nana, but just follow what your heart tells you to, listen to what it wants.”

_What do you want?_

I don’t wanna hurt him, it’ll be my biggest agony to see him hurt.

_But do you understand him? What about his feelings?_

_No, no._

_What about you?_

_How do you feel about him?_

_He loves you,_

_Do you love him that way too?_

“Hey, are you having self monologue now?” Donghyuck asked, breaking his thought bubbles.

Jaemin shook his head again. “How could you be so wise like this?”

Donghyuck chuckled, back to reading his book that he abandoned a moment ago. “Got you thinking, right? I joined philosophy club and we have this little discussion about the universe every Sunday after church.” he said, and then burst out laughing. “Just kidding, i hung out with Mark and his wise friends, of course i picked up a thing or two.”

Jaemin, unnerved, said; “I seriously don’t know which one was the lie.”

 

\---

 

 

A year went by  as Jaemin watched each seasons to flashed before him; the green colorful tone of Summer, the vague brownish scent of Autumn, the abandoned cold of Winter, and finally, brings him back to the blooming of Spring. Every steps, every thoughts that filled his day, and not a single minutes passed would he not missed Lee Jeno.

It had came to him slowly, so very slowly, as nothing should be rushed. A twinged in his chest whenever he video called the older, seeing his smile but couldn’t have it in his touch, hearing his voice but couldn’t grasped it in his mind to last a little more. And it had been painful, missing someone is an awful feeling.

Jaemin had it fixated in his thoughts, in his heart, whenever Jeno was just there, a screen away and he wished the time would have at least understand, for him to be able to crossed the ocean in a heartbeat. But time wasn’t his, never theirs.

September was the first heartbreak.

“You won’t go back to Korea?” Jaemin asked.

Jeno shook his head, looking as awful as Jaemin would have been on his screen. “There’s a class i need to attend more for me to pass. I’m sorry, Nana, i know you are looking forward to our trip to Busan.”

Jaemin just sighed heavily. “I’m more disappointed because i can’t see you, i really miss you, you know?”

Jeno smile a little. “I missed you too, maybe i’ll see you on Christmas, Mom would have raise hell if she can’t see Grandma this year too.”

Jaemin returned the smile, so big it hurts. “Okay, i’ll wait for you.”

December came, but Jeno didn’t.

“My uncle made family trips to Japan for Christmas and Grandma came too, so we need to stayed here and welcome them,” Jeno had explained to him, he looked pained to tell the news, like he was suffering too himself.

In returns, Jaemin just tell him a story about how stressful the year had been for him, since he lost the president position to Donghyuck, he was settled and contented on the vice president position, but of course the work was just as much.

They had a phone call in the cold morning of Christmas, not planning to waste any more time, they both went for a separated walk, just talking on the phone and listening to each other's story, to the fight of the cold and to the lovely tunes of Christmas morning as if they had each other by their sides. At least they still need to be grateful that Tokyo and Seoul had both the same time zones.

The words i missed you had become an awful lots of meaning, it had fuse into something Jaemin couldn’t quite grasp anymore. He said it for too many goddamn times, thinking about it for too many to counts anymore that sometimes, he wondered if it would ever lost its meaning. But never, it never did. It just became stronger.

The realization came to him, _no_ , it hit him, when he finally saw Jeno’s black hair amongst too many people walking in different directions of a busy terminal. His hair had become longer, almost covering his eyes, but Jaemin will always know those eyes, the same eyes that he longed in his dreams.

Jaemin began to walk, he would have cried if he wasn’t so happy to see Jeno finally spotted him too. He looked taller somehow, standing in a crowded place with his suitcase in hand. And he would have run, faster to hold Jeno if the older didn’t ran to him first, awkwardly bumping to people on his way.

With their glued eyes who never leave each other since the first time they landed, Jaemin welcome Jeno hugs with a smile on his face. His hug is becoming fuller, and Jaemin’s heart soar when they pulled apart so he can finally see Jeno’s face up close, he planted his hands on both of Jeno’s cheek, uncaring about the people staring at them.

“Have you missed me?” He asked, smiling while softly striding his fingers alongside Jeno’s feature.

Jeno’s smile was twice as wide, eyes disappeared into half moon smile, “Have i? _Have you_?”

“A lot,” Jaemin said simply, lowering his hands. “How are you, Hyung?”

“I’m better now,” Jeno said, staring and smiling at him.

Jaemin felt a pounce to his heart. It’s different, definitely different to finally see Jeno again and not just some fragment through blurry pixels, his heart was beating rapidly, somehow trying to flee. He didn’t realize the pain sitting on his gut all this time after finally, he can see the smile again, can see his face, and it’s all completely gone, whatever uneasiness he’s been having for the past year. All gone.

“Can i hug you again?” Jaemin asked, smiling softly.

Instead of answering, Jeno opened his arms widely, and Jaemin didn’t waste anymore time to jump on his embrace. He felt whole.

“Why are you getting bigger now?” He murmured, burying his face on Jeno’s shoulder.

“Our apartment came with free gym membership, of course i don’t wanna waste it.” Jeno said. “Besides, you’ve grown taller yourself.” he said after petting Jaemin’s head.

Jaemin giggles. “I drank a lot of the twins whole cream milk when they didn’t want it.”

“Don’t fool me with that.” Jeno said, laughing, because he clearly knows that Jaemin can’t even drink milk.

“This is Jaemin?”

At the voice, the both of them let go of each other. Behind Jeno, there’s a boy taller than both of them, soft smile and features. He is handsome, too handsome.

Jeno smile at Jaemin, moving backwards to welcome the boy who was all smiles.

“This is Jungwoo,” Jeno said, eyes on him and he looked like he tried to avoid Jaemin’s eyes a little bit.

“I’m glad i can finally meet you, Jaemin.” Jungwoo said, smiling softly.

Jaemin stared at both of them, the not so secret smile and gaze and he was reminded by the last Summer two years ago where the name Jungwoo popped out on his brain.

“Ah, you are Mark’s hyung friend,” he said upon realising.

Jungwoo nodded, he looked at both Jeno and Jaemin. “You guys must missed each other a lot, should i go and find my brother first? I think he is here somewhere, i just can’t find him yet.” he said, asking Jeno.

“Are you okay alone?” Jeno asked.

Jungwoo patted his head. “Of course. I’m not a child, babe.” he said, laughing.

Jeno smiled back at him and finally nodded when Jungwoo just excuse himself to find his brother.

When they both are finally alone again, even in the crowded space, they went quiet somehow, _for god sakes_ , Jaemin can’t even think until Jeno told him to find a more less crowded place.

“Have you eat? Do you want to eat? We can find restaurant or something.”

“Yeah, okay. I think i haven’t eat lunch yet.”

He’s been rushing everything since morning, knowing that Jeno plane would land around 2 PM. He wasn’t even sure if he ate breakfast or not because he can’t calm his own stomach.

They both settled in one of the fast food place, Jeno went to ordered the food while Jaemin find them a seat. It’s a rather cloudy afternoon, and Jaemin can’t pin point if it was really the weather, or just him.

“Jungwoo said we can go home first, his brother wanted him in the studio.” Jeno said the first time he got to their table, bringing food after maybe picking up the call from Jungwoo.

Jaemin know there’s a question he want the answer to, but he can’t even bring himself to say them. So he put on a smile, said thank you because Jeno kindly bought them food and promise he will treat him too next time.

“How’s Eomma? And the twins?” Jeno asked.

“You’ll see them soon, ask them yourself,” Jaemin said jokingly. “How’s auntie and uncle? Are they well? Still working a lot?”

“Yeah, but i can see them everyday now, it’s great.” Jeno answered, smiling a little.

That’s really nice to hear, since they were little, Jeno always been left alone with his caretaker whenever his parents went for business. Most of the time Jeno just slept at his house, his mother even call him her first son because of how close and often Jeno spent in their home.

“Mark Hyung is amazing, i heard he got admitted at SNU.” Jaemin said, trying to find a normal topic and distracted his mind.

“I know, i contacted him all the time, i haven’t got that much friends in Japan.” Jeno said, and Jaemin was reminded that Jeno once told him both his English and Japanese only good writtenly, so he had a little trouble conversing in both language with neither the locals or other international students.

“I’m sure you’ll find more,” Jaemin said, reassuring him. “Donghyuck planned to go to SNU too, he was a little fired up and don’t want to lose to Mark.”

“Which major?”

“Law.”

Jeno smile a little. “Well, good luck to him. Getting to that university itself is like drawning in the volcano, the law major is the literal hell.”

“I’ve told him so too, but he wasn’t Lee Donghyuck if he won’t fight even the devils to get what he wants. He is very determined now.” He said, laughing.

“You still want to be a pilot?”

Jaemin nodded, drinking the orange juice Jeno ordered for him. “Positive, just pray for me.”

Jeno didn’t said anything for a while. “It’s a dangerous job, Nana.”

Jaemin smile. “Who knows, i might not passed the test and ended up teaching little kids in kindergarten, you’ll never know,” He said. “Besides, it would be difficult for me to get in without scholarship, the pilot academy is really expensive.”

Jeno nodded. “I just want you to be safe.”

There was another shot to his heart, every time, all this time, and he just realize it because Jeno was missing, it took a whole year for his heart to remember this hollow feeling in his chest that couldn’t be filled up when the older wasn’t around him. And maybe now will be too late.

“I thought Jungwoo study in Austria,” Jaemin said slowly, head down and his finger anxiously played the straw of his orange juice. “Why did you went here with him?”

_There. The thing i want to know the most._

Jaemin didn’t dare to look up for the answer, but his ears were both open, too wide.

“I didn’t contacted him since we last met two summers back, until this January he said that he went to Japan for a recital, so we meet again,” Jeno said. “And i guess,” he said again, slower this time. “We might give it a chance this time.”

Jaemin let out a soft, “oh.” and awkwardly drank his orange juice.

His heart hurts so bad.

 

 

\---

 

 

“You poor thing,” Donghyuck said, opening his arms widely so Jaemin can snuggle there, burying his face in his friend’s warmth. “You realize it too late.”

“What am i supposed to do, Hyuck?” Jaemin said quietly, he can’t bring himself to cry. He _didn’t_ want to cry because once he did, he probably wouldn’t stop. And Jeno is home, inside his room, being his perfect self.

“I’ve told you first to know what your heart wants right?” Donghyuck said and Jaemin nodded. “Then, what is your happiness? Is it him? Or is it yours?”

Jeno’s smile then flashed across his mind, his beautiful soul lighten up whenever he laughed, making the world instantly a better place.

“Him. I want him happy.”

“He loved you for years, Nana. I don’t think he can changed his feelings for just a mere year. He might be with someone else now, but i think if you ask him, whether if he still loves you or not, he’ll still choose you.”

“But i hurt him, why would he still choose me over Jungwoo? He literally is perfect for Jeno, i’m nothing compare to him, maybe Jeno think he loved me then because i was just here, you know? And then he widens his horizons, meet new people and then he realizes, his love for me was never real.”

Donghyuck pulled out from his embrace, “Hey, don’t say that. You are you, don’t compare yourself to others like that, it will never ends.”

“But i’m right, aren’t i? He probably realize how selfish i was, rejecting his love after treating me so kindly, and i crushed his feelings just because i was too afraid to admit it. And i’m just so, so stupid. Jungwoo wanted him from the very first time, Hyuck. And i just realize that i wanted him too after he is out of my sight? I’m so stupid.”

“Stop. You are shaking. Nana, stop.” Donghyuck said, holding Jaemin by his shoulder.

Jaemin didn’t realize that he was just so angry. So mad at himself, for being stupid. For being late. He is so stupid.

“Talk to him,” Donghyuck said, quickly continuing before Jaemin could say anything more. “Talk to him, just say what you want to say, he’s your best friend, is he not? He’ll understand.”

Jaemin went quiet, trying to calm himself down, to think about something that wouldn’t hurt Jeno more, he hurt him once, and he won’t do it ever again. “I want him happy, that’s all i want.”

Donghyuck shook his head. “You can’t decide about what would make someone else happy by yourself, Nana. That’s not how it works.”

 

 

\---

 

 

“Are you happy now, Jeno?”

Jeno stirs awake in his sleep, opening his eyes only to close them again and hummed slowly.

“Like, really happy?” Jaemin asked again, looking at Jeno curiously.

They both were sleeping on his bed together, facing each other as they normally would. It’s been a week after Jeno’s coming home for holiday, two days after his talk with Hyuck and countless hours of Jaemin’s worry.

“What time is it?” Jeno said, groaning.

“2 AM.”

He was reminded of Jeno excuses whenever he said he wanted to go for a walk and not returning for the whole day, he came home by Jungwoo’s car. Face red after he probably laughed and smile too much.

“Why aren’t you asleep?” Jeno said again, but now he opened his eyes, staring at Jaemin curiously.

“I want to know.”

“Right now?” Jeno asked, eyes bore to the younger, and when he nodded, Jeno smile. “I’m happy.”

Jaemin bring himself to smile a little. “Then i’m glad, i want you to be happy.”

Jeno chuckled. “You just want to know if i’m happy or not?” Jaemin nodded again. “Sleep, Nana. It’s late.”

“You are happy now, right, Hyung?”

Jeno smile softly. “Yes, _happy_ now?”

“Okay,”

It's enough.

 

 

\---

 

 

Who would have won in the game that the time had set? Is it the Hours? The never there but always closer Minutes? Or the hurried Seconds?

Whichever it was, Jaemin just wanted the clock to struck 12 faster.

11.56

Screw this.

Jaemin picked up his phone, pressing a few numbers his fingers knew by memories. The phone rang for a few times, and Jaemin bit his nails at the possibility that the person he was calling already asleep.

The line died telling him the person he tried to call didn't picked up.

He heard the clock ticking, as if mocking him.

11.58

He tried again, it rang again for a few times and Jaemin close it before the operator voice even spoke.

11.59

Again.

“Hello,” the raspy voice answered to him. Jaemin can picture it, Jeno on his bed, sitting with his hair messily nestled on his head as his half lidded eyes were trying hard to be awake.

“Happy birthday,” Jaemin said. “Sleep now, good night.”

And he hung up the phone, smiling.

He's not late.

Jeno must be so tired, they didn't have any contact for two weeks, just a few text and pictures here and there. With Jaemin busy because of his school and extra cram school, and Jeno with his classes. It's the longest time they hadn't spoke at all, and it actually killing him to not be able to hear his voice this long.

Not a few minutes past, Jaemin’s phone rang again. The caller id was Lee Jeno and Jaemin had smile looking at it.

“Why did you hung up?”

“I thought you were asleep, tomorrow is Wednesday, busy day for you, Lee Jeno.”

He heard a faint and small laugh. “I can talk for a while.”

“What did you wanna talk about?” Jaemin asked.

“I missed your voice, why haven't you call me for the past two weeks?”

“Why haven't you?”

“I thought you were busy.”

“I did. School's killing me.”

“Same here.” Jeno said, he sounded like he was yawning.

“Let's have a skype on Saturday? Mom wanted to see you.”

“What time?”

“Err, 7 pm?”

“Can't. Jungwoo booked it. How about before that, 4 pm?”

“Okay.”

They both were quiet for a while, listening to each other tired and long breaths.

“When will you go back to Korea?” Jaemin asked first, staring straight at the ceiling, imagining how the face on the other side gonna be.

“I might actually came sooner, mom said there's a big case they need to work on in Busan, so maybe in June after my mid exam.”

Jaemin can't even hide his happy voice, it's definitely better rather than to wait for a whole year. “I'll wait for you, then.”

“Let's have more phone calls,” Jeno said.

Jaemin nodded even if the older can't see it. “Okay. Happy birthday, hyung. Sleep well.”

“Thank you, Jaemin Ah, i will sleep very well. Good night.”

The next morning, Jaemin woke up a little late as he rushed to school. Had a test that thankfully, he can managed to do well, and went straight to the cram school after his classes was over, that part of his day was always the most tiring because his energy were already drained at the school hours.

When he arrived home at 9.46, he didn't even get to eat dinner and head straight to his room, flopping himself down on the bed tiredly. There were something running on his mind, he felt so drained, felt like he just went on about life and endure it in the process.

The test for the pilot academy would be held in September, so he still had a little time to study. He had thought about it, since his family can’t really afford a private school, this academy in Seoul could be his last option as they provided scholarship program.

The only thing he worried the most was his mother condition, she wasn’t doing really well these days, easily getting tired for having to take care of the restaurant and taking care of him and the twins at the same time, just last month her general check up didn’t have good results either.

He had dreamt of becoming a pilot, loves the sky, and often staring and daydreaming underneath it since he was just a little kid. Wondering how would it felt like to fly, to have a pair of wings that could take him everywhere. But now that he remembered it, it had been Jeno’s dream too.

“I wish i have wings.” Jeno said, staring blankly at the sky, head held up high meanwhile Jaemin was brushing off the pink flower petals on his head. He was so reckless, falling asleep in the balcony after enjoying the Spring air until Jeno woke him up just to join him on the cold floor too.

“Why?”

Jeno smile, eyes bore to the blue canvas and Jaemin wonder which one was more beautiful. “So i can go fly and see my parents quickly.” he said.

The eleventh year old Jaemin imagined himself to have wings too, if Jeno couldn’t have one, then maybe; “I’ll take you,” he said almost instantly. “I’ll have wings and give you free rides so you can meet Auntie and Uncle in a heartbeat!”

Jeno had laughed. “We can’t have wings, Jaemin Ah. No human are born with them, only birds.”

And Jaemin can only thought of a way to make Jeno happy, of course he can only think of one thing, a pilot. A pilot can fly, can take people everywhere and maybe, that would be enough.

Jaemin smile at the memory, seems like everything always started with Jeno getting involved in it for him. Right now he just wanted to pray and work hard so he can move the dream a little closer.

The buzzing of his phone broke out his thoughts, Jaemin groaned, scoot around to reached for his phone. The caller id was Jeno and Jaemin raise his brow, he was supposed to call the older two hours from now, but he was calling him now?

“Hello?” Jaemin said.

“Hello to you, how’s your day?”

Jaemin smile at Jeno’s voice, he sounded tired, probably at the same position as him. “The usual, how about you?”

“My friends make a surprise birthday party for me.”

“That’s great, having fun?”

The quiet hangs in the air. “It’s nice.”

Jaemin lowered his phone from his ear, setting it on a speaker mode so he can listen to Jeno’s voice while laying down, looking at the ceiling above him. He would said i missed you, but surely, friends don't do that twice a day, do they? “Oh right, why did you call me for? I was gonna call you, you know.”

“I know, that’s why i called you now, so you can sleep and not waiting for the clock to strike 12 again, or you’re gonna be late for school tomorrow.”

Jaemin laughed. “How do you even know i’m late today?”

There’s a hint of playfulness on Jeno’s voice that makes Jaemin missed him more. “I’m your best friend, of course i’ll know.”

“Alright mister best friend, well, happy birthday to you again. I would give you your birthday present now, but i rather give it in person, so you gonna have to wait for that.”

“I already got my present from you, though.”

“Shut up, a call is not a present.”

“It is.”

The silent was killing them again. Jaemin try to take a deep breath, the deepest. “I think i’m going to sleep now, Hyung.”

“Mm,” Jaemin can imagined him nodded. “Okay, sleep well.”

“You too. Happy birthday, Lee Jeno.”

Jaemin wait for the line to be hung by Jeno, when it is, he can’t stop a few thoughts from slipping to his mind. Poisoned it, tearing down his coated lies. And maybe it was because he is tired, maybe he got a little stressed, or maybe because it just is.

_I miss you_

_I want to hug you_

_I can’t even do that now, can’t i_?

The day is too short.

\---

 

 

_Dear, Na Jaemin_

_Congratulations! It is my pleasure to offer you admission to the Class of 2021 at the Korean Aviation Academy. This opportunity to join one of the most outstanding student bodies in the country comes in recognition of your academic and personal achievements. I and the other members of the Admission Committee know that you would be a valued member of the Korean Aviation Academy both in and out of the classroom._

_Your response…_

Jaemin bite his lips, staring unbelievingly to his phone screen where he just received an email from the flying academy where he took the test and apply for admission last October, and he wanted to cry.

He made it.

Him.

“I made it,” He whispered.

It was a cold dawn of December, Jaemin brushed his hand over his sisters hair. They fell asleep together in the hospital sofa, laying their heads on Jaemin’s lap. He’s been trying to calm them down and telling them that mom is gonna be okay, just tired.

But now Jaemin wasn’t even sure that she will really be okay. The doctor had said to him that their mother was having a stroke attack, she can’t move her left part of her body. Her hands, her legs, could even have speech trouble.

Jaemin had rushed to the hospital when one of his mother employee from the restaurant called him that his mother had been admitted to the hospital because she suddenly can’t move while watching the busy restaurant. He had fetched both of his sisters from their skating lesson to immediately go to the hospital. Now his mother is lying in bed, an IV drop attached to her wrist and Jaemin can’t even sleep knowing that his mother is in pain like this.

Watching his sleeping sisters, Jaemin closed the messenger app, glanced at the clock that reads 2.23 AM and forced himself to close his eyes, the cold room of the hospital can’t even bring him any comfort, but he felt at ease listening to his sisters steady breathing.

He hadn’t cry, can’t even bring himself to when both of his sisters were searching for strength in him, so he is the one who has to be strong for them now.

He hoped things will get better soon, wished his mother would be alright.

 

 

\---

 

 

“Be strong, Jaemin Ah.” Chaemi said, she came straight from the airport, even when she still had a meeting in the afternoon with her important client. It’s actually a good timing that she heard the news of Miran when she needed to fly back to Korea for a new case.

Jaemin smile and nodded at her. “I will, auntie, thank you so much for visiting.”

Chaemi shook her head. “I would be here if i don’t have to be in Guri now, Jaemin Ah. And Jeno would too, i’ve been trying to contacted him since yesterday but it seems like he had turned his phone down, me and his father are trying our best to call him.”

“It’s okay, Auntie. He needs to focus on his study now, i wouldn’t want him to worry.”

“He would want to be here to cheer you on, but for now, i wish you can take care of yourself and your sisters, they are at the house with your aunt aren’t they?” Chaemi asked, earning a nod from Jaemin. “I will be back after my meeting, i haven’t get to talk to Miran anyway.”

“I’ll tell her you came here when she wakes up.” Jaemin said, smiling.

Chaemi nodded, stroking Jaemin’s cheek like she would do to him when he was little. “You have to be strong, she will be better.”

Jaemin nodded. “Thank you, Auntie.”

Jaemin watched Chaemi’s figure disappeared from the door, she had cried when she saw Miran on the bed sleeping soundlessly. Jaemin was glad that his mother just greatly loved by every person she knew, his sisters were now both resting at home with their Auntie who came from her hometown and Jaemin stayed at the hospital, taking care of his mother and welcoming every visitor that came to wished her to get well soon.

Donghyuck, Renjun, Chenle and Jisung had also came, bringing him food and clothes he asked them to bring along. He was just so grateful for them for being a supportive and great friends, even offering to stay and watch his mother, which Jaemin had refused because he can’t just not see how his mother was doing.

He had thought about Jeno all the time, had thought about their last conversation two days ago when Jeno was telling him that he will tag along with his professor to one of Japan small town to work on his case and learning from him. He said that it’s a small case from the poor family of farmers that had a problem with their land in the mountain, he also said that he might can’t even call due to how busy he might be.

Jaemin had wished he was here. He had wished he can hug him, can laid his feeling down on him. Because he knew Jeno would make him instantly feel better for whatever he was facing right now. Jeno would make him smile, he would have know how to teach Jaemin to be strong, he would understand how he was feeling right now.

But it seems like asking for what he wants is a great price to pay now, and he didn’t know how to pay for that kind of luxury, for Jeno to be here.

 

 

\---

 

 

A week went by so quickly since the first time he came to the hospital, his mother had received a minor operation to make her condition better, thankfully, the doctor said that it went well so now she just need to get therapy until she can move and talk normally again. But it needed time, his mother has to be fully supported now.

He had thought about his acceptance at the academy, and decided to not take it. He needed to support his family now, his mother and sisters needed him the most right now. His aunt had offered to take care of his mother until she recovered which was what Jaemin most grateful for because he can now observe and supervised the restaurant.

It’s really not a big deal, he just needed to take a step back, putting his dreams on hold, and he can just take it again after his mother got better.

“Is it all packed already? Your mother bags?” Chenle asked, eyeing the almost empty room.

His mother now finally can leave the hospital, she’s gotten a little better even if right now, she needed to be on a wheelchair and can’t speak clearly.

Jaemin looked around the room, hands on his hips trying to figure out what could he had forgotten. His mother was already went home by the ambulance while he stayed so he can took care of her documents and things. All of his friends were here, Donghyuck, Renjun, Chenle, even Jisung who went straight from school, helping him to carry all of the bags.

Jaemin nodded. “I think it’s all done.” he said. “Let’s go.”

Chenle stand up from where he originally sat at the now neat bed. “Okay, i think the others are already outside even--”

There was a knock on the door and Chenle stopped talking, the both of them glance at the slowly opened door, revealing a boy, not just a boy, but the person he had been waiting, had so patiently pushed to the back of his head but never even once leave his mind.

It’s Jeno.

Jeno’s eyes immediately landed on Jaemin, had looked like he was in distraught, pacing slowly at him who just stood unmoving, not saying anything yet. He didn’t know what to say, had so much to say that it just started to went away from his head.

“Hey, Hyung.” Chenle said, breaking the cold air.

Jeno managed to smile a little at the younger. “Hey, Chenle,” he said. “Can i talk to Nana for a second?”

Chenle gave Jaemin a look, as if asking _should i?_ And Jaemin nodded. “I’ll be outside.” He said after a while.

Jeno sighed when they are both finally alone in the room, he moved closer, making Jaemin held his breath unknowingly, feeling like he suffocated for a second, not knowing how to inhale or exhale.

Jeno pulled him close by the shoulder, hugging him in a comforting hold, the one that immediately thought him how to take a proper breath again. To fix his heart and the shallowness it bears. The room around him melted as Jaemin fall deep on his best friend's safe embrace.

“I’m so angry right now,” Jeno whispered slowly into Jaemin’s hair.

“Why?” Jaemin asked, circling his arms around Jeno’s hips.

“I didn’t come sooner to you.”

“You didn’t have to, i’m fine.”

Jeno chuckled a little. “Of course you are,” he said, eyes turned to be serious again. “Listen to me,” he said, letting go of his shoulder just so he can hold Jaemin’s face in his hands, tilting it a little so they can stare at each other eyes. “Eomma will be alright, she would be better. You will never be alone, you hear me? I will never let you be alone.”

And Jaemin cried, that’s the exact words he needed to hear right now. That there would be someone who won’t let him be alone, that can assured him everything will get better even if things seems to be crashing down now.

And so he cried, closing his eyes as he finally let out his own distressed he’s been keeping this whole time, and Jeno just stood there, held him close and erasing every single tear drops that fell on his cheeks.

“Mom will be alright, right Hyung? She’ll get better?” Jaemin asked, asking the exact same question his sisters had been questioning him this whole time.

“She will be, your mother is one of the strongest person i know, and she will fight everything for you and your sisters, keep that in mind, Nana.”

“I want her to be healthy again.” He sobbed.

“I know,” Jeno said, whispering and pulling Jaemin into another embrace, stroking the back of his head to calm him down. “But right now you have to be strong for her, for Jae Ri and Jae Ah, they needed you the most right now,” he said again, slowly breaking their embrace to let Jaemin stare at his eyes again. “And you have me, i will always be here for you, no matter what, in whatever condition, you have me.”

Jaemin forgot how to breathe again.

Donghyuck gave him a sympathetic look when he saw the both of them getting out of the room together. Jeno had greeted all the gangs after Jaemin pour all of his heart content to him, offering to take them both home.

The feeling is still here, stronger than ever.

Who was he trying to fool? It never stopped, for how much his mind can tell lies, how much he can put on a facade and empty acts. He can't never erase it, or fake it, his heart would still beat for the same person, because it only belongs to him.

But Jeno is not his, he was already too late for that.

 

 

\---

 

 

Everything, everything, will always leads back to the same night. The night where Jaemin had climbed up Jeno’s railing to get the older’s attention because he was having a bad day. The day where Jaemin saw Jeno’s tears falling because he screamed at him and hurt his feelings. The day that Jaemin would engrave regrets for the rest of his life for not admitting, for being stupid and confused about his own feelings and rejected Jeno’s heart.

The day where he should’ve kissed him back, should’ve said _finally. I love you so much too. I don’t understand how i’m feeling right now but i know, i just know that i love you and won’t love anyone else like this, not even my past girlfriends. You are the source of my strength and i’m lost without you. So please, kiss me again before i’m losing it, before i made another stupid moves and hurt you_.

As long as his memories is clear, Jaemin didn’t remember if he ever had a big fight with Jeno. Of course there were a few misunderstanding, moments where he wanted to just knocked some sense into the older’s head because he was just too stubborn, or too strict and demanding him to do this and that. But they usually made up after several hours, never days. Because Jaemin wouldn’t even stand that long to be mad at him.

The truth had came to him a year after his mother got discharged from the hospital, she had been a little better, smiling and embracing all her kids in her arms, sometimes she cried because she can’t speak clearly, that made Jae Ah and Jae Ri cried, which then made Jaemin cried too.

Jeno went back and forth between Japan and Korea, in Japan because he needed to finished college, and in Korea for holidays and Jaemin. Chaemi had helped him constantly, especially discussing legal matters about the restaurant and just generally how the business work. Jaemin would think he did a pretty good job seeing how stable the restaurant is after his mother got sick. He wasn't really enrolled in any school now, just focusing on his two sisters, his mother and the restaurant.

The sunny day in March where Jaemin sat in one of the restaurant table with Chaemi came with a little bit of secrets. Maybe it was just a small talk with her, but she told him how Jeno had beg her so he can study in Japan two years ago, said that he needed to badly get a new start and fresh air. And Jaemin had thought about the night where Jeno told him it wasn’t because of him, but because of his mother. He can’t help to let the thoughts of Jeno trying to get away from him because Jaemin had hurt his feelings.

“You purposely try to get yourself away from me?” Jaemin said, gritted his teeth.

He had asked Jeno to talk in his room after he arrived.

Jeno is fuming, hands on his hips. “You never told me you passed the test, really? I would’ve help you!”

He really didn't know how Jeno could figured that out, he hadn't told anyone he passed. Just that he failed and would rather took care of his family before studying again, it wasn't really a big of a deal, many guys postponed their study for the military before going to college. 

“Help me with what?! I can’t just leave my family like that, and you know it! You are the one who told me to be there for them! And what if i took it? I would leave, Jeno! My sisters would have suffered!”

Jeno softened at Jaemin’s words, not necessarily ceased his anger, but he surely tone it down. “That’s not what i meant. I would’ve be here for you, with you. I would help you took care of your mother and sisters.”

Jaemin shook his head in disbelief. “I don’t need you to do that, Jeno. What would that made me? I would be the person who crushed your dreams, and i don’t want to be that.”

“Why would you crushed my dreams? I could’ve just moved back here and transferred.”

“Oh, so it’s just as easy like you had this whole choice of staying here two years ago but you beg your parents to take you with them because you wanted to get away from me?”

Jeno went quiet. “It’s not like that,” He said after awhile. “I--”

“I’ve told you that we should talk about that night, but you always said to put it in the past. You told me you were okay, you told me that nothing will change, and yet you purposely moved away from me because you didn’t wanna see me again, that you, admit it or not, was hurt by me and you didn’t even tell me that. How is that fair, Hyung?”

Jeno went silent again, bite his lips to restrain his frustration. “What do you suggest i’d do, then? It’s not like i have any choice, i’m trying to protect you, i made you a promise. I had the chance to heal my pain and i took it, but i never treated you any different, have i? I’m selfish, but what do you think i should do?”

Jaemin moved closer to him, heart shattered as his eyes filled with the threatening tears. “You should’ve told me that in the first place,” he said, voice barely a whisper. “I would do you a favor and disappeared from your life.”

Jeno shook his head, looking defeated. “No, no, no,” he said. “That’s not what i want, Nana, don’t said that.” he tried to hold Jaemin’s hand, but Jaemin moved backwards.

“I wouldn’t want to be the source of your despair, Hyung. Now how am i supposed to live with the thoughts that i hurt you that bad you wanted to forget me?”

Jeno took a deep breathe, closing his eyes. “It’s not like that, you didn’t hurt me,” he said, opened his eyes again. “I was just scared of my own feelings, don’t you know how many years i’ve loved you? Even now…”

Jaemin opened his eyes wide. “What?”

Jeno stared at him blankly, like he just regretted his choice of words. There’s doubt in his voice, in his eyes, but those stares are soon washed away with something akin to desperation, and Jaemin just stare. “I’ve loved you for years, Nana. I didn’t know how to stop then, and it had hurt because i wanted you, and you,” He took a deep breathe. “You didn’t. I was contended just by being by your side, seeing you smile, making you happy. But i wanted to handle my own feelings first, you didn’t hurt me, never hurt me. It’s just me taking a few steps to try and stop loving you more than a friend, and maybe yes, i should’ve told you. But i know that you would felt responsible because of me, and i didn’t want to force you, in any way. So i just took the chance when my parents offered them to me.”

Jaemin felt empty. He really did fucked up big time that night. And three years had passed, Jeno found a new flame in someone else. He had, “and you succeeded. The chance, you stopped loving me, right, Hyung? You love...Jungwoo Hyung now, he healed you.”

Jeno moved closer, circling his arms around Jaemin’s shoulder to stare at him. “He eased it. I’m still trying now.”

 _Then, i love you. Would you leave him if i told you that now? Would it be too late and you would choose him still? Would you love me again if i told you that i was so stupid for not realizing my own feelings three years ago, that i have loved you for years too and never even once i stopped? Would you, Lee Jeno, choose me again, love me again, like you did before_ this?

But that would be too selfish. Jeno had made his choice to stopped loving him years ago, and he found someone else to do just that; loving him in the same amount. Wouldn’t it’d be egoistical for him to ask Jeno to love him now? Wouldn’t it break Jungwoo’s heart too?

“Thank you, Hyung. For loving me, for always be there when i’m happy, even so when i’m sad. I should have told you this sooner. And now i want you to be happy, with the one you love, if it’s not me anymore, then i want you to be happy with Jungwoo Hyung, he is a nice guy and i fully supported you with him.”

Lies, lies, lies.

Jaemin smile, hold Jeno’s face with both his hands. “I love you,” He said, and brought their foreheads together, rubbing Jeno’s cheek. “I know i didn’t said this a lot, but thank you so much for taking care of me. For waking me up when i slept in dangerous places, for not waking me up when i slept in a safe place. For being by my side and tell me i didn't have to be alone. You mean so much to me, and i want you to be happy. I hope you know that.”

Jeno closed his eyes too, enjoying Jaemin’s soft caresses and they both stayed silent for a while. The air was heavy, their breathing goes steady and Jaemin remembered all of the moments he was awake with Jeno hovering over him, shielding him from the sunlight in the library, pulling him away from the ants in their school lake, staying with him while watching the falling magnolia petals even when he knew he was allergic to the pollen too and sneeze for two weeks.

His absolute best moments came from Jeno, his dreams, his hopes, his despair, he’s been through it all with Jeno.

So what if this small exchange in his heart he needs to pay for Jeno's happiness?

It doesn’t matter.

Jaemin wanted him happy.

“Thank you, Jaemin Ah.”

 _I love you_.

 

  

 << Completion 99%... >>


	3. FOLDED

* * *

 

There's no more songs, no more repeated lyrics, and no more endings.

There were only love.

If you love someone so much, which length would you travel for their happiness?

Would you stand by yourself, or stood for theirs?

The endings didn't have to be a resolution after a heavily unresolved problems, sometimes it's just a note that end with a small dot, telling you that the characters had their own story finished. Maybe they folded it, maybe they give it up.

But this wasn't a story, this is just a normal Na Jaemin and Lee Jeno lives, who loved each other deeply, foolishly, sickly.

Any kinds of love is past them.

Because no matter how far, no matter how long, and no matter how wrong,

they will always have each other.

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments and kudos are always highly appreciated /bows/
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Oh and
> 
> Should we unfold it?


	4. UNFOLDED

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *insert the emma roberts meme*
> 
> Further warning: the characters have grown up, lots of kissing (just for the sake of the plot asdfgkl), drinking (legal, again, the sake of the plot, sorry) mention of other ships, hella long and dragged, will take turns on the cliches, so very sorry in advance.
> 
> Please see this gif first so you can be happy ^^: https://t1.daumcdn.net/cfile/tistory/9931C5465B69AFAA07

Jaemin clapped once he spotted his sister with roller skate in hand, walking with flowers and a big smile on her face. Jae Ri ran when he saw him, smiling so wide and quickly hugged her brother in a tight embrace.

“I’m so proud of you, sugar,” Jaemin whispered in her ear, giving her a bouquet of flowers once they parted. “You’re not injured, aren’t you? Where’s your sister?” Jaemin asked again, craned his neck to search for his other sister.

“She went to take photos with coach Seo. Thank you for coming, Oppa. Did you saw me blow you a kiss when i was doing my triple axel?” Jae Ri said, looking as bright as the sunflowers Jaemin gave her.

Jaemin smile, holding another bouquet to give to Jae Ah. “I did, but you didn’t saw me return your kisses! I was disappointed.” Jaemin said, faking a pout.

Jae Ri giggles. “You are so embarrassing, i bet everyone looked at you funny.”

“They did,” Jaemin said. “But i love my baby sisters more to care about them.”

“Oppa!”

Jaemin already opened his arms to welcome Jae Ah who ran to him, he would have lifted the girl up if she wasn’t too heavy for him to carry, and more over, a fifteen years old probably didn’t want to be carry around in front of a lot of people.

“You sneaky girl, why are you taking photo with your coach and not me first?” Jaemin said, playfully stroking her ponytail.

Jae Ah tightens her hug around Jaemin’s hips. “I’m sorry! She insisted, i swear!”

Jaemin laughed, patting her head. “I know.”

“Coach Seo has a crush on you.” Jae Ri whispered, a sneaky smile on her face.

Jae Ah nudge her sister’s arm, voice almost a warning. “I thought that was supposed to be a secret!”

“Why don’t speed it up? She’s coming here anyway, let’s go.” Jae Ri said, pulling her confused sister arms, they both gave Jaemin a mischievous smile as they strode away. Leaving Jaemin sighed at their antics.

“Hello,”

Jaemin smile at the girl. Her name is Seo Jin Ah, and she has been the twins coach since last year when the both of them started practice for the winter skating program.

She was a former figure skater herself, but recently retiring to coach young skaters. Jaemin pretty sure her sisters has mention her other side job once, but he wasn’t able to remembered what it was.

“Hello.” Jaemin said, bowing a little.

“Congratulation for Jae Ri and Jae Ah, they made it to the next tournament. You must be so proud.”

Jaemin smile, nodding. “Thank you, it’s because of your guidance too. I heard you teach them well.”

Seo Jin Ah shook her head and waved her hand at the same time, as if she looked embarrassed. “They are already talented, i only gave them a little instruction to shaped their moves.”

“I’m sure you contributed a lot more than that,” Jaemin said. “You should come to our restaurant back in Seoul, we’ll treat you well.”

“Ah, thank you so much. I will go sometimes then.” She said, blush creeped up on her cheeks, eyes down.

“Well then, i would like to chat more, but i need to searched for where my sisters are going, i promised our mother to gave her a picture of them in the podium if they ever win.” Jaemin said, really looking for the trace his sisters left, only to find nothing.

“I can help you look for them,” Seo Jin Ah said excitedly.

Jaemin nodded then, gave her a small thank you.

They went for where another skaters are gathered around first, Jaemin asked her about what she’s doing as a side job which turn out to be a blogger and fashion designer, she even own a small clothing line in Gangnam, which is a bit weird for him to forget a bizarre job like that. What surprised Jaemin the most was, she just turned 23 years old this year, barely a year older than Jaemin himself.

“Girls! Get on the podium, your brother wanted to take photos.” Seo Jin Ah said as she spotted the twins first, chatting with their group of friends. They gave her a knowing smile, raised eyebrows, and made the coach blushed.

Jaemin shook his head, his sisters are the literal devils for these matters.

When the competition finally over, Jaemin let his sisters prepared for their suitcase they brought from Seoul to Gangneun, where the competition was held for three days, packing all of their bags up inside his car trunk.

Jaemin recently got his driver license, finally deciding it was convenient enough for him to be able to drive, especially since he needed to went back and forth between the restaurant and the clinic he worked at.

Three years had passed in the fastest way someone can imagine. Jaemin never thought he’ll be in this position where he is right now, but then again, nobody could predict how the future went, or where it even headed. All he knew about the future was that it’s scary, full of possibilities and impossibilities at the same time. And as a human being, it is a burden and responsibilities to make it happened in the best way possible.

Three years wasn’t as smooth for Jaemin, he had stumbled a couple of times. Had broke down in tears, feared for his shattered dreams to never piece back together again. Once he dreamt of flying, to enter flying academy and to become a pilot. He was so close, but as much as he wanted his dream to happen, he wanted to be there for his family more.

Jaemin’s mother has gotten better, much better. But her condition needed more support, he can’t just leave his mother alone to take care of his sisters. The flying academy wasn’t in Seoul, and he didn’t have much time nor money to fly back to back. As much as it hurts him to not see it happened, he learnt to handle it well after all.

The clinic he worked at was one of the flame that fire his spirit again. It’s the same clinic where Jaemin mother got her stroke rehabilitation program. For the first year, Jaemin managed to be there and learned from the therapists who were mostly just middle aged women that he got to know because he regularly went there for his mom therapy.

He hadn't enrolled in any school, just managed to get a license in physical therapy, the rest he learnt from everyone in the clinic. On a better note, his work there didn’t include paycheck, he was just impressed on how much patience therapist put in their patients, especially stroke patients like his mother who often have physical and speech problem.

Maybe it’s not really work, but just voluntary job. Either way, he loves going to the clinic, and seeing from how much calls and smiles he received there, everyone maybe likes him there too. Anyway, it only took him a couple hours every three days out of seven days he had, while the rest he spent on managing the restaurant.

The restaurant business went quite challenging, it wasn’t always smooth. They lost a couple employees, Jaemin made a lot of mistakes, and the restaurant had days where customers weren’t able to gave them back revenues, especially on his first year after his mother sickness. But he’s gotten a lot better, he learnt a lot from different people, get a lot of help from many people, even went on a few business seminar just so he can understand the field better.

Three years surely isn’t really life changing, but to him, it was.

“Oppa, did you like Jin Ah unnie?” Jae Ah asked, she was the one sitting in the passenger seat beside him, while Jae Ri already snoring behind them as soon as Jaemin started the car.

Jaemin turned the wheels to get on the freeway. Smiling a little at Jae Ah’s honest question. “Why? Do you want me to like her?”

Jaemin actually asked the former figure skater to drive with them to Seoul, but she already booked her train ticket with her other coach friends, looking a little disappointed.

“She really likes you the first time me and Jae Ri told her stories about you. She kept asking us a lot of questions.”

Jaemin chuckled, eyes focused on the road ahead as they entered the road. “What did you guys even tell her about me?”

Jae Ah smile widely. “That you are the best brother to ever exist and i wouldn’t be here without you.”

Jaemin reached out to pat her sister’s head, one hand still on the wheel and eyes staring straight. “Thank you, Jae Ah ya,” he then playfully pinched her cheek, making her groan and Jaemin laughed. “I wouldn’t be a big brother without you guys.”

Jae Ah grins widely.

“I missed Jeno hyung, why he didn’t come here as often anymore?” She said after a while.

Jaemin felt a tug at his heart.

“He’s busy, Jae Ah ya.”

Jae Ah pouted. “Yes, but he didn’t even come here for two years, how is that even possible? He usually can’t stay away very long and far from you, isn’t the longest just for a year? When you were still in high school, right?”

Jaemin let his lips lifted up a little in the corner. “He is busy now, you have to understand that. He has a job and work to do.”

Jae Ah continue to pout, complaining that he missed how Jeno would willingly teach them math, since Jaemin suck at it, how Jeno will bought them new books or toys and secretly gave her extra candy while Jae Ri can’t eat candies because she will have toothache afterwards.

Jaemin just nodded, making his younger sister understand that Jeno has responsibilities to do now as an adult, especially how long he had pursue law school that took five years of his life.

Once Jae Ah stopped talking and getting sleepy herself, Jaemin let out a loud sigh.

 

 

 

 

“Nana ya, come here.”

Jaemin heard his mother called. She has gotten a lot better at talking, almost back to normal and he is just so, so happy that she can live her life again. She can already walk a year ago, even when she needed to walked very slowly and a little limp, the hardest part was actually how she can normalize her speech, so that’s why, these days Jaemin had been happy because his mother can almost talk normally again.

As soon as her mother called, Jaemin looked up from the soy sauce egg rice he was cooking. They just got back from Gangneun an hour ago, now the clock showed that it was 7.43 PM and they are kinda late to dinner. The ride from Gangneun last for two and a half hours, and they managed to get home safely.

“Wait, eomma. I’ll finished this off first.” Jaemin shouted, tasting his dish for the last time before turning it off after he felt satisfied with the taste.

Jaemin quickly walked to where his mother was after putting the dish on the dinner table, slowly removing the apron he was wearing. As he approached closer, Jaemin saw his mother on her phone, talking with someone.

“What is it, eomma?” Jaemin asked, folding the apron neatly.

His mother hung up the phone upon noticing Jaemin.

“I just received a call from Chaemi, Lee halmmoni just recently passed away, her funeral will be held tomorrow.”

Jaemin lowered the apron on the table.

Lee halmmoni was Jeno’s grandmother. Jaemin always met her when she went to visit Jeno all the time, all he can remember was how delicious her cooking was and how she always had the best story to tell.

She was a great and lovable person, the very first person who fully supported Jeno’s revelation about his sexual preferences. Jaemin always thought the Lee family was one of the most open minded family in South Korea, they are all well educated and most of them are either abroad or jump on the educational field.

Hearing the news that she passed away was a great shock to him, he remembered how she always scolded him for his recklessness or teached him how to play baduk, a board game, which, until now, he didn’t even know how to play.

When they finished dinner after, Jaemin went up to his room. He hold his phone in his hand, thinking for a solid fifteen minutes while staring at the phone number he will always remembers.

To the name his heart will always yearns.

 

 

\---

 

 

Jungwoo accepted him for who he is. For the broken, the stolen, and the lost Lee Jeno. At first he didn’t understand it, how could he do it, to love someone who would never be whole again, and to never, never expecting anything but a chance.

One chance.

Sometimes Jeno wondered if Kim Jungwoo even exist at all, because just how could someone love him, can understand his condition and never took him as miserable but always there to care for him?

Jeno never thought they would be going this far, they had long distance relationship for nearly three years and make it work somehow, for as difficult as it was, they managed to meet each other every few months because Jungwoo’s school had affiliates in Japan, the most dangerous they’ve ever been was when they decided they needed spaces to focused on each other career rather than playing a game of patience. That happened when Jeno was in his last year of college, and Jungwoo with his teaching. They decided to take a break from their relationship because there’s just no time for them to do so or even work it out anymore.

“I mean, you did forgot our 3rd year anniversary and i was hurt because i already at your front door with bouquet of roses and a tuxedo and you just chilling in your sweatpants.”

Jeno chuckled. “I just got back from Seoul three days prior and head straight to the court for research, i didn’t get to change clothes for that case because of my professor, and you know how difficult he can get,” he said, making Jungwoo laughs. “Besides, don’t you remember the time i flew to Austria only to have you not in your apartment because you forgot to tell me you were going to London?”

Jungwoo nudge his arms. “Don’t guilt trip me, who told you to make surprises?”

“You didn’t even call me for three days, i was so confused i had to ask your mother.”

“Okay, it’s the more reason we had to take a break, is that what you were trying to say?”

Jeno went quite. He hung his head, not brave enough to stare at the older eyes. Jungwoo lift his chin up to face his eyes, the same soft smile Jeno felt years ago when they first met.

“You just blame yourself again, did you? It’s not our fault, Jeno.”

Jeno shook his head. “I didn’t know how i would be without you.”

Jungwoo gave him a smile. “You would be you,” he said. “All i did was care for you, as much as you did for me. Do you know why i fell for you?”

Jeno dared to look at Jungwoo’s eyes. “Why?”

“Because you have the kindest heart of all the person i’ve known. You would be hurt if someone you cared about get hurt, like you were responsible for their pain, when in fact, you’re not,” Jungwoo said, hand still stayed to lift Jeno’s chin up and face him. “I wish i met you first so i could be the person you care about the most.”

Jeno widen his eyes. “No, no. Don’t--”

Jungwoo let go of his touch, smiling slightly and carressed Jeno’s cheek to stop him. “It’s okay, i felt loved for all the time we’ve spent together, and i really did enjoyed being by your side, i like you a lot, you know that, right?” he said, and lean closer to kissed Jeno’s cheek. “I’ll miss you so much.”

“Can i still call you?”

Jungwoo nodded. “Just sometimes, focus on graduating and your career first. I really wished you good luck, i think you’ll do amazing.”

That managed to make Jeno smile a little, he stand up to plant a chaste kiss on Jungwoo’s forehead, making the older giggles. He surely will missed his voice the most. “Thank you for making me happy.” He said hesitantly and made Jungwoo nodded again.

His separation with Jungwoo was one of the many regrets he would have to bear his whole life, but it can’t work given their situation. Jungwoo just recently got accepted to teach in London and Jeno would start working in one of the major international firm, they would love to be together, but none of them want to make the other gave up their dreams for each other.

So Jeno did just that, focusing on building his career. He’s been privileged all his life, but his parents always told him nothing will bring him to the stars without any hard work.

What he hated about all this was, how he can’t even visit Seoul for almost two years now. He’s been so focused on work, barely got any sleep nor rest, taking every case and help him to branche his knowledge and professionalism.

There would be something going on whenever he tried to visit, either it’s a new case for work, or he just too tired to take the two hours plane ride. Besides, for the last two years, he’s been living everywhere, starting from Singapore, Hongkong, even a few countries in Southeast Asia.

Jeno’s been grateful, the only thing he regrets was he wasn’t able to meet people he loves.

He missed his home, he missed his friends there, Mark even went to visit him last Christmas with his high school boyfriend, Huang Xuxi, making Jeno jealous because just how could they last that long? When Mark told him he finally got the tall boy to ask him out, Jeno had bet they wouldn’t last for more than three months, but here they are, six years into their relationship and enjoying every holiday together, it’s absurd, but that’s love for you.

Jeno missed Jaemin the most.

Every calls, every shaky videos for the past six years since he moved to Japan, there’s not a single day where he didn’t miss the younger, even when he was just there, beside him whenever Jeno visit for the holiday, he had missed him.

“How’s your date going yesterday?” Jeno asked, phone on speaker, eyes reading case files.

“Awesome, i accompany her to Myeongdong and went shopping all day.”

Jeno lifted an eyebrow. “That sounded like a tiring day.”

“It is,” Jaemin said, and Jeno can hear him sighing. “But i kinda like her? She is nice to my mother.”

Jeno chuckled. “Is she the same one you met in the clinic? The girl that injured her knees?”

“She wrecked her ligament while running. But yes, i met her in the clinic.”

Jeno stopped reading his files. Since their talk two years ago where Jaemin found out he purposely moved to Japan because of a broken heart, there’s nothing change between them, Jeno still visit  all the time to check up on him and his family. Still calls and had their chats via phone calls or videos, even if he couldn’t be there in person. And;

Jaemin is still the most beautiful person in his heart and it kills him to be far from him.

Jeno defined his feelings for the younger a long time ago. He decided whatever happens, whoever come and go into his life, the younger will always have a special part in it, seeing him happy, hearing his voice, knowing that he is alright and well, it doesn’t matter if they couldn’t be more than friends, he loved Jaemin enough for it to last a lifetime, and it would never change.

“How are you, Nana?”

“I’m fine, hyung. How are you?”

There are words he wanted to say, but he’s not sure if he can say it.

“I’m okay. Just a little busy, i--” Jeno said, a little hesitant. “I missed you.”

There. He said it.

Jeno sighed, why is it so hard to say those words now? He’s been saying that forever, but it just, felt different. Jaemin didn’t answer for a little while, and for a second, he thought he did something wrong. But he heard Jaemin giggles through the phone.

“I missed hearing you saying you missed me, i thought you forget me for real.”

Jeno smile. “I would never,” _Can’t ever. What are you even saying? Someone needs to bulldozed my mind if they want to erase you._ “How’s eomma and the twins?”

“Mom getting so much better, she’s back to the restaurant now and i feel kind of jobless when she’s there again. Jae Ri and Jae Ah are both preparing for their competition next december. And i…”

Jeno resume his reading, highlighting the important parts he needed to remember. “What is it?”

“I’ve been thinking lately to, i don’t know, i want to go to school again.”

Jeno smile so bright. “Then go.”

“Should i, hyung? Wouldn’t it be too late for me?”

“Nana, you are only 22, what’s late in that? My latest client is thirty and he just finished bachelor degree because he needed to take care of his two kids first. My point is that, you are still young, Jaemin ah. There’s so much opportunity laid out for you.”

There was a pause before Jeno can hear the younger voice again, shooting, always shooting. “Okay. I’ll ask mom first.”

“I’m sure she’ll be thrilled. You are smart and thoughtful, Nana. Don’t say anything would be too late for you, because, they’re all only waiting for you.”

Jaemin chuckled. “Did you just made that up? I didn’t know you can rhyme words.”

“I didn’t know it’ll rhyme either.” Jeno said, amused.

“Hey, i’ll talk to you later, okay? My regular patient just come in.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“Don’t forget to eat your meals. You are in Indonesia right now, right? Make sure to eat a lot of delicious foods and enjoy your stay a little, i know it’s for work, but, don’t be too stressed, hm?”

Jeno chuckled again. “I will. Take care, Jaemin ah.”

Two months later, Jeno found out Jaemin had broken up with the girl he was dating since August.

When the line died, Jeno felt amazing. Talking to Jaemin always makes his day a little better. Sometimes when he got a difficult client or tough day at the court, he’ll seek comfort from the boy. Didn’t exactly state why he would be upset, beside that it had something to do with work, but Jaemin understand anyway, he always did.

No.

Even for just a little of his voice would be Jeno’s remedy.

 

\---

 

 

Jeno never thought he would returned home to mourn.

The December air was a frozen lace on his skin, delicate and cold. The airport was busy, loud, and deafening as Jeno carries his suitcase in hand. Thick brown coat covering his shivering body as he looked up to see Jaemin running towards him in a hurry. He can’t think of anything, as all matter blend in, and moments turned as white as snow, memories drenched his head with the single touch of the person he loves.

Jeno stood unmoving as Jaemin circled his hands around his neck, smelling like he always is; of summer warmth, of crystalized moments, and of everything Jeno loved in this whole entire world. Jeno closed his eyes as his hands dropped the heavy suitcase to wrapped around Jaemin’s back, supporting the both of them, reminiscing the cold wrapped warmth of him, realizing that the younger wasn’t just some projection his mind created for the past two years. Jaemin was here, in his arms always as beautiful and ethereal as ever.

“I’m sorry for your loss,” Jaemin mumbled. “The funeral about to start, they are all waiting for you. I’ll drive you there, hyung.”

Jeno caressed the back of Jaemin’s head, nodding. “Okay.”

When they pulled apart, it was for the time sake. Jeno fussed about Jaemin who didn’t even wear coat but just a thin jacket, offering him his coat while the younger just brushed him off and hurriedly ran to the parking lot, saying that it’s too cold out so they need to get inside quickly.

“I’ll drive.” Jeno said, hand asking for the car keys as they were in front of Jaemin’s car.

“What? No, you just got here.”

“You’re freezing, get inside and warm up.”

Jaemin rolled his eyes. “What does that got to do with driving?” he said, but giving the keys anyway. “You cut your hair,” Jaemin said, combing his hand through Jeno’s thick black hair, once they are out of the airport road.

Jeno smile a little, eyes still focused on the road. “My friend is a hairdresser, he insist on cutting my hair last week because i got no time to cut it for two months and said i look like an emo child at the court.”

Jaemin giggles. “Well, thank god you got him.” he said, and face turned blue instantly. “Auntie cried non-stop since yesterday, i worry about her.”

Jeno felt a tug at his heart, his mother love his grandmother so much. Jeno had talk to her when he was still stuck in his office in Japan working on a meeting that he can’t possibly leave instantly.

It’s been hard, Jeno wouldn’t want to imagine losing someone so dear, so close, someone that he loved so very much, more over a mother. Both of Jeno’s parents decided to moved back to Seoul last year, choosing to take care of the country’s firm because the branch in Japan was already established, even when his mom was moving her retirement date faster to take care of his grandmother, Jeno just can’t imagine the pain she was in right now.

Jaemin also had talk to him the night the news broke. Jeno was in his office, late at night with an important meeting the next day, case by case, files by files filled up his desk as he put his head down, fingers massaging his heavy forehead. He didn’t even realize the set of tears were already fell down his cheeks, accompanying him in the dead of night as his phone blare, breaking the cold and daunting air. Jaemin was there, listening to his cries, didn’t say anything until Jeno’s silent cries turned into a sniffling mess.

“Come home, hyung. You are not alone, we’re all here for you. I’m here for you.”

So here he was, home.

They say home is a place with an address, some said it’s the person.

Jeno said it’s Jaemin’s warmth.

 

 

\---

 

 

“Isn’t it supposed to be here?”

“Your memories become crappy, it’s behind this building.”

“No, it was here, i swear...see? It’s there, Jamaejib!”

“It’s not Jamaejib, hyung. Hyuk said it’s Yeonnamseo.”

“What? Mark said it’s Jamaejib.”

“They changed it the last minute, Xuxi hyung is allergic to seafood.”

Jeno shook his head. Stupid Mark, why the hell did he changed it but not tell him again?

The Mapo street was filled with people, but not this side of the street where there were only a couple of restaurants and not many souvenirs shops around.

Jeno walked in front of Jaemin excitedly, both hands on his thick gray coat seeking warmth as he sniffles from the cold air, nose started to get runny. He didn’t come here for so long, remembering the time he used to wandered here with Jaemin or even Mark whenever they got bored with studying. Listening to each other rants and worries with ice cream, or cheap but delicious tteokbokki from street vendors.

“Ah, i can see Hyuck already.” Jaemin said, walking faster in front of him to get inside the restaurant they’ve been trying to reach.

They left Jaemin car parked in the parking lot after they got here from the movie theatre, watching one of the box office movie that are currently playing and choose to walk to the restaurant where they were supposed to meet their friends, enjoying the cold but comforting air.

It’s been a week since Jeno’s grandmother passed away, he missed her everyday, but he got a chance to go out after another case he tried to work on again in Seoul. He actually got a few thoughts that will probably change how things are for him now, but maybe he will think about that later, right now, he just wanted to enjoy, as he saw Jaemin’s honey brown hair and his smile run inside the busy restaurant.

When they got inside, he saw Donghyuck and Mark sitting across from each other, reading from their separative menu, probably choosing which foods they’re gonna order.

Jaemin reached the table first, quickly hugged Donghyuck who almost screamed when he saw him. The chatty boy looked almost the same since the last time Jeno saw him, but he looked older somehow, with glasses and formal attire.

While Jaemin still hug his friend, Jeno quickly reached for Mark, bump fist with him and exchanged their usual embarrassing but endearing high five.

“God, i missed you. I’m sorry i can’t go to the funeral, did Xuxi conveyed my condolences? ” Mark said.

“Surprising, but i miss you too. And yeah, it's alright, Mark, i know it's a tough job for you. Where’s he anyway?”

“Still at work, that dork don’t know how to refused his boss, i swear to god.”

“Ah we got two of that dorks here.” Jaemin said casually, reaching for Jeno’s hand to sit together in the long table.

“I had a lot to talk about with Jeno hyung.” Donghyuck said, already trailing his eyes to followed Jeno.

Jaemin shook his head, seize the menu book from his friend. “No can’t do. No works related talks here tonight.”

Donghyuck shrugged. “Give me a call when you're free, hyung. I would very much like to talk a lot with you.”

“Okay.” Jeno said, gave a nod and a thumbs up to the younger. He leaned closer to take a look at the menu Jaemin read, discussing which food would be delicious together.

“Ah couples,” he heard Donghyuck said,  groaning. Jeno take a little closer look at him with raised eyebrows, but he just saw the younger pointing secretly at a young couple in front of their table exchanging a little kiss.

Mark laughed. “Yes, couples are gross.”

Donghyuck rolled his eyes. “Yeah, let's just wait for the true couple that will immediately suck each other throats like there's no tomorrow in a moment.”

Mark possibly kicked his legs beyond the table as Donghyuck groaned.

“Hyuck, that's disgusting to speak in a restaurant.” Jaemin muttered, eyes still focused on the menu as Jeno secretly hide his laughs.

“Tell that to Mark.” Donghyuck hissed, side eyeing Mark while messaging his legs.

“I don't know why i used to like you.” Mark said back.

"If you kept saying that as an insult every time you are pissed at me, it won't be an insult anymore, hyung. Be a little more creative, please."

“Wait, wait," Jaemin asked suddenly, surprised. “You used to like Hyuck? He never told me.”

This is amusing. Jeno thought as he giggles beside Jaemin.

“It's in the past, Nana, buried, zipped.”

Jaemin let it go as he turned to look at Jeno, pointing at the dish he’d like to order. Jeno asked Mark and Donghyuck first if they already order or not before calling the waiter and order for the both of them.

After another chats, their table soon filled with various food and beverages, the highlight would probably be the barbeque set that Mark ordered for all of them.

For probably thirty minutes in, Huang Xuxi strode in with his grins, big and wide smile.

Jeno always like the guy, he was probably the coolest person he's ever met, as he used to be one of Jeno rivals from another school basketball team, and the tall guy was apparently their team captain.

“Hello everyone!” Xuxi shouted. Waving his hand excitedly to everyone on the table. “Hi, baby.” He slightly whispered, and bent down to plant a kiss on top of Mark’s head.

Their conversation fell along smoothly, without even realizing it, talk about work finally brought up. Jeno and Donghyuck continuously agreeing and disagreeing about a-z talks being a lawyer, and Mark, after a few drinks of his own, started to cursed about how stressful his job could get sometimes while Xuxi was smiling at him from the side.

They talked about Renjun’s wedding next April, can’t believe that tiny kid was the one to get married first, Jaemin said the ceremony would be held in Renjun’s fiancée's hometown in Qingdao and all of his high school gang were planning trips there together. What didn’t surprised Jeno was actually Zhong Chenle, who finally opened up his own business in Beijing, continuing his family legacy.

Jeno didn't plan to drink at all tonight, but Jaemin had assured him that it's okay to let loose sometimes, and so, he may drink a couple of glass, no big deal. Na Jaemin didn’t drink, he hated alcohol since he was a kid, because his mother used to be so fond of drinking whenever she get stressed that leave a bad memories for him.

“Shit, i’m gonna call Jisung,” Donghyuck muttered, head hung. “I had work tomorrow.”

Jaemin laughed. “You can go home with us, there’s enough space.”

“No, you guys had different direction than my bed, i just wanna lay down quickly.”

Not a few minutes past, there goes Park Jisung, muttering tiredly that he had essay to write for tomorrow but greet everyone on the table anyway, munching a few meat Jaemin tried to shoved to his face.

“Let’s not go out on a freaking Wednesday anymore, guys. We all know it’s a bad idea.” Donghyuck shouted before leaving the restaurant with Jisung helping him, making everyone smile.

When it just the four of them in an almost empty restaurant, clock ticking at 10.12 PM, Jeno found himself laughing more than he usually would. He never thought his life abroad was so boring until he met his friends again.

Mark and Xuxi bantered too much, Jaemin told stories about his patients that somehow got too sad or too funny, Jeno talked about various countries he had the chance to visit, a few places he explored a bit, and everything seems to be working out so well.

When he felt a little too much, Jeno excused himself to go to the toilet to washed his face up, when he got back, face a little freshen up after splashing it with cold water, Jeno got back to his seat taken by a young lady.

“Oh here he is,” Jaemin said, looking up to see Jeno who immediately bowed his head to the girl. “This is Lee Jeno, my best friend since i was still a kid.”

The girl nodded, she held out her hand, smiling wide. “My name is Seo Jin Ah. I'm the twins coach.”

“Ah, Jae Ri and Jae Ah?” Jeno said, and accepted her hand, sitting beside Lucas and in front of Jaemin and Seo Jin Ah. “Thank you for your hard work.”

Seo Jin Ah just brushed it off.

“She has a clothing store near this restaurant, i can't believe we managed to meet her here.” Jaemin said, and Jeno pour himself another drink.

“It's weird for me too, it's like fate.”

Maybe it's the alcohol in his system, but his blood boils. No, he didn't just felt jealous because of this, He's been through something like this for years, seeing Jaemin get his first kiss, his first girlfriend, and his many dates after that.

He isn't a child to get overly annoyed at his best friend getting close with someone, so it's probably the alcohol.

But he gulp another shot, filling his stomach with a few chips along the way.

“Stop, hyung.” Jaemin said, grabbing Jeno’s glass, preventing him from downing another. It's what, his fifth or sixth glass? Jeno had stop counting.

“I'm not drunk,” Jeno told him, and then a hiccup. “Yet.”

“Okay, let's go home.” Jaemin said, standing up.

“No, look, we're still enjoying this.” Jeno mumbled.

“Uh, i think we need to go home too, Mark is trying hard to kiss me now.” Xuxi said, holding the clingy and clumsy Mark who nuzzled at his neck.

Whoops. Bad sign.

“Okay, okay. God i can't believe I'm drunk.” Jeno groaned, massaging his forehead, finally acknowledging he may be a lot more tipsy than he'd like to admit.

Jeno stared at Seo Jin Ah. Damn Seo Jin Ah and her perfect hair, perfect smile and attitude. Then at Jaemin. “Get her home, I'll get taxi.”

“But--”

“No buts, don't let a woman walk home alone, Nana.”

Jaemin sighed in defeat. “Okay,” he said, picking Jeno’s coat up to make him wear it again. “But I'll make sure you get on the taxi first, come on, hyung.”

“I’m okay, i’m already used going home alone, my house isn’t very far from here.” he heard Seo Jin Ah voice, floating in the confusing air.

“No, it’s okay,” Jaemin said, successfully putting the coat on Jeno. “Unless you don’t trust me?”

“No, no. I just don’t want to bother you, and your friend looks like he needs help.”

“No, i’m okay, Nana will take care of you, he’s not evil.” Jeno muttered, standing up. He’s really okay, but maybe not for driving. He usually had a pretty high alcohol tolerance, considering he often invited by a lot of clients or colleagues whose ideas of having fun were booking a place and drink all night.

But maybe today he was just too happy, spending a day with Jaemin felt like a dream.

Jeno walked steadily, shaking his head a little, and for a minute looking for Mark and Xuxi but didn’t found them anywhere. They probably already went home, did they said their goodbyes yet? Jeno didn’t remember.

“I’ll see you at home, hyung.” Jaemin said, closing the taxi door, Seo Jin Ah with her worried face beside him.

“I’ll go back to my room, don’t want to disturbed eomma.”

Jaemin nodded, waving after telling the driver to be careful and taking care of Jeno.

Once the engine started, Jeno looked out behind the slowly disappearing Jaemin and Seo Jin Ah. he surprisedly didn’t felt sleepy, instead watching the fading nightlights and empty street, mind hazy, hearts cloudy.

 

 

\---

 

 

Jaemin took each stairs leading to Jeno’s room slowly, very slowly like he was pacing to his own heaven’s door.

The house had been empty for quite some times before Jeno parents finally decided to moved back again last year, even if they didn’t fully live in the house because of Grandma Lee condition that needed more care.

Up to last week since the funeral had passed, Jeno’s parents still haven’t moved back, so Jeno was the only one who lives there currently, until his vacation is over next week and he’ll be back abroad.

Jaemin had slept back and forth, a few nights on his bed and the rest was with Jeno, even when the older sometimes had a sleepover on his house too.

The week had been amazing, he didn’t want to admit it, but Jeno presence had given him more comfort than he could ever mustered. He was afraid, once Jeno leave again, how is he supposed to take care of his missing heart again? But, he was more afraid to break his own promise, that he already give Jeno up.

Even when he broke up with Jungwoo nearly two years ago, how could he possibly knew that the older had forgotten completely about him?

For all he knew, a relationship for more than five years probably erased Jaemin’s memories from Jeno’s hearts completely, shaping it in a more platonic ways, as it should. And he wouldn’t blame him for it. Would be happy to see Jeno happy, at least that part was true.

“I’m so drunk,” Jeno mumbled, probably noticing Jaemin’s movement in the dark room.

There was a glass of water on his bedside table, and Jaemin laid ease that at least Jeno wasn’t drunk enough to passed out completely. When he looked around the dark room, Jeno’s coat, shoes and scarf were scattered everywhere. On the floor, on the bed, and Jaemin bent down to pick them all up.

Jaemin chuckled. “Good for you, just an hour ago you deny it.”

“Sleep here tonight?”

Jaemin nodded, taking off his own black coat and shoes, going to the bathroom to brush his teeth. He had his spare toothbrush here, his clothes, everything, just because he often fell asleep here too.

“Did you get her home safely?” Jeno asked once Jaemin get out of the bathroom, now dressed in his pajamas that smells awfully like Jeno somehow.

Jaemin hopped on the bed, laid his body down on the right side of the bed. It’s an unspoken rules between them. Jeno always took the left side, while Jaemin get the right side whenever they slept on the same bed.

Jaemin began to closed his eyes, body facing the ceiling.

He almost fell asleep completely, until he felt like it would be more comfortable if he turn to his left side, only to see Jeno looking at him with half sleepy eyes. Jaemin widen his eyes but Jeno stayed unmoving, eyes focused on him.

“Why are you staring?” Jaemin mumbled, closing his eyes again. It’s probably past twelve, the day had changed and yesterday festive had washed up in the unchanging vast night.

“Jaemin ah, i’m drunk.”

“Yes, i know that.”

He felt the world slowly slipping out of his mind, didn’t realize that he probably was too tired today, going everywhere with Jeno like they afraid time would finally catched up on them.

“Why are you so beautiful?”

Jaemin slowly opened his eyes to fell on Jeno’s black orbs still staring at him. Fluttering eyelashes, with shadow casting his face in an almost black room.

“Your eyelashes are so long, your eyes pretty,” Jeno said, weakly placed one of his hand to gives tender touch on Jaemin’s eyes.

Jaemin felt his heart slowly exploding, thousand of butterflies poisoning his every _damn_ cell within Jeno’s touch. He felt his breath hitched in his throat, because Jeno just brushed his fingers across Jaemin’s face, stroking it in an endearing moves.

“You’re so beautiful, i’m going to die because of you.”

For some other times, he would laughed, he would giggles and ward away from Jeno’s touch, saying that he exaggerated too much already. But it’s not some other times, he found himself staring blankly at Jeno, couldn’t moved at all.

_Lord._

Jeno’s eyes lifted down to his lips, and Jaemin felt alive.

“What do you want, hyung?” Jaemin asked, eyes started to get glassy as he tried to find his voice in his throat somewhere, didn’t even flinched when Jeno brushed his fingers down on Jaemin’s lips.

“Something i did years ago,” Jeno said, voice barely a whisper. “That i can’t still forgive myself for doing it.”

Maybe it was because he was tired, definitely wasn't because it's true.

_I’m going to hell for this._

He thoughts, before muttering something he would probably regretted tomorrow.

“Do it now.”

Jaemin stare at the older, waiting for something, for anything to happened. He felt Jeno’s body closer now, hand still placed on Jaemin’s cheek, and he held his breath, heart beating so fast like he ran a marathon for hours and closed his eyes, just waiting.

“You are gonna be my death,” he heard Jeno muttered, and Jaemin felt his body closer, now realizing that he was facing Jeno’s chest, as the older hands brushed the back of his head, holding him in a comfortable, warm embrace. “And i don’t think it’s a bad thing.”

 

 

\---

 

 

Jeno felt his head spin, the bad hangover of last night bad choices. He had been drunk last night, he remembered. But that wasn’t the reason why he sat on the edge of the bed with his  regrets, disconcerted, and abashed self.

“Fuck,” Jeno muttered, a palm on his face, head hung.

The memories of last night blew in his head one by one, making his mind ablaze, setting it on unsettling fire.

 _I need to get my mother to the restaurant and be at the clinic now ‘till evening. Get breakfast at my house, okay? I don’t have time to made you one, i woke up late, sorry_. Said the text he got from Jaemin himself.

The cold morning of December was a little warm, but Jeno held his breath because it’s already past eleven and he can’t believe he could sleep this late but then again, the pain of last night bring his state of mind on another spinning ride.

_Did i said anything beside ogling at him? Did i do anything wrong? God, i’m gonna murder myself if i made Jaemin go distance from me._

He's not the type that will lose his memories after a night of drinking, so hopefully, there wasn't anything left out from what he can recollect now, or else he can't forgive himself. 

Everything he remembered saying only made him drawn in a more shallow embarrassment.

But wait.

_“Do it now.”_

Is it real?

Or is it just his mind trying to played tricks on him again?

For all it matters and for his mind to be at rest, there was only one thing to do.

 

\---

 

 

“No, Hyuck, he was saying it while he was drunk out of his mind, and i was probably too tired to remember it correctly. All i want to know is if it’s true or not, or i don’t know how to face him again, did i really told him to kiss me? I might be the one who is more drunk than him.”

Jaemin heard Donghyuck sighed. “Look, Nana, i really wanted to grasp this fully. But my boss just spat on me because i was late for fifteen fucking minutes to the most boring meeting ever and my hungover still clearly here even when i drank like what? Two glass? So, i’m very sorry if i get this wrong, but he said he still loves you. Get it over with.”

Jaemin was about to answered when he saw a familiar face entering the clinic. “Shit, Hyuck, i have to go. Drink a lot of water, don’t eat fast food for lunch, it’ll get your stomach bad.”

“Why? I was just about to start my narrative on what you guys did last night was pretty gay, not that it hasn’t already obvious enough all these years, but you get me.”

Jaemin rolled his eyes. “Don’t make our friendship weird like that. Wait, i really have to go, she spotted me, bye.”

Jaemin look up from his phone to see Seo Jin Ah smiling at him.

“Hello,” She bowed.

Jaemin bowed back at her. “Oh hello, are you okay?”

“Oh no, no. I get your clinic address from the twins. I just wanna give you this.”

Jaemin accepted the bag of what looked like to be lunch boxes from the girl. Jaemin chuckled. “Are you giving me this?”

Seo Jin Ah nodded shyly. “I just want to thank you for last night, i made something for your friend too, he seems more likely to have a hungover today.”

“I think he does, thank you so much. You don’t have to do this, really.”

“It’s okay, i want to.”

Jaemin stared at her for a while, thinking that he need to do something to repay her back. “I already ate lunch, so i’m gonna eat this at home with Jeno, is that alright?” Jaemin said, getting a nod from the coach. “Do you want to go grab coffee? My patient won’t be here until two.”

Seo Jin Ah nodded brightly. “Okay.”

Jaemin excuse himself to Kim ahjumma who gave him a raise on her eyebrows which Jaemin just laughed it off, thinking to grab his keys because the coffee shop was quite far from the clinic.

When he was about to opened the clinic door for Seo Jin Ah, Jaemin felt his phone buzz and he checked it immediately, thinking it’s probably from the restaurant or his mother about an emergency or something. But it’s not, it’s from Jeno.

_Hey, sorry about last night. We’re good right?_

_I’ll pick you up this evening, there’s something we need to cleared._

Jaemin typed furiously.

_So you remember?_

_Yes, i’m truly sorry. I promised it won’t happen again._

His heart was beating so fast.

_Do you regret it? Hyung, is everything you said true?_

Jaemin can’t take it, he stopped on his track, making Seo Jin Ah asked him if something went wrong.

_No. Yes._

A big smile flourished on Jaemin’s face, so big it hurts, so full it burst.

“I need to do something very important, i’m very sorry i need to cancel the coffee. Would it be alright if i take you home instead? Or do you wanna dropped somewhere first?” Jaemin said, clenching his phone in a fist, feeling his face muscle sore from too much smiling.

“Why? Is it something bad? Is it your mother, is she sick?”

“No, thankfully no.”

“You don’t have to drive me, i’m fine.”

Jaemin shook his head, as much as he was super happy right now, he didn’t want to abandoned the woman here on the street. That’d be mean. “No, it’s alright. I can dropped you off for a while.”

A little confused but nodding, Seo Jin Ah gave Jaemin direction on which way to go. It seems like it’s her shop in Gangnam, so Jaemin maybe went a little further on where he really wanted to be now, but it’s alright, Jeno is home. It’s alright.

When his car pulled over in front of a clothing store, Jaemin smile at Seo Jin Ah, saying thank you for the boxes she brought. But Jaemin was left confused when the coach lean closer to him, eyes full of hope.

“I like you,” she said, very determined. “You are a great guy, and a  kind, gentle man. If it’s not too much trouble, i would very much like to get to know you better.”

Jaemin kind of froze in his seat, but he quickly regained his composure back, smiling. “I really like you as a person too, Seo Jin Ah-nim, i would like to be a great friend to you, and you have kindly take care of my sisters. But i can’t accept your love, because i,” Jaemin said, taking a long breathe. “I’m in love with someone else. I’m truly sorry.”

There was disappointment written on her face, which made Jaemin felt bad because she truly was a nice and kind woman, if only he wasn’t so tied, passionately, greatly, deeply in love with Lee Jeno, he probably would try and learn to love her. But Jeno had stole his heart from a long time ago, he didn’t even know how to take it back after trying so hard for years with mountain of lies.

“Oh,” she muttered. “I’m sorry then, i…”

“I’m sorry, truly sorry.”

“No, it’s okay.” She said, and then smiling gently. “The person must be lucky.”

Jaemin just smile.

_I need to be the one who should be more lucky for what i’m about to do now._

And so he pray.

 

 

\---

 

 

“Will i ever fucking learn.” Jeno spat, pacing back and forth in his old kitchen like an electric iron. Hand on his phone since the last time he hold it to text Jaemin back.

_No. Yes._

This is like what happened seven years ago, where he gave up on his ego only to hurt them both in the end. It’s a nightmare, now he is going to need to explain that he didn’t really mean it that way, pilling up lies upon lies.

He should get the hint by now that Jaemin isn’t gay, but his stupid mind can’t even formulated anything sensible as he typed those words.

As the anxiety slowly eating his mind up, forty minutes had passed in an undeniably fast seconds. He decided to take a bath right after he started to grasp reality upon the hungover, had went to the Na house and found Jae Ri watching her favorite drama on TV, ate the leftover breakfast on the table, only to get back on his own house and doing fucking stupid job at keeping his feelings intact.

“You are an abomination this world has ever made, Lee Jeno, you stupid guy. He’s gonna hate you for real now.” He muttered unconsciously, flopping himself down on the couch.

No. He is an adult, he thought, as his eyes stared at white ceiling. There’s no way he’ll act like the teenager he was before. He will apologize, truthfully, honestly, and it’ll be alright.

Jaemin is an adult too now, he will understand. Maybe he would need to talk about them once and for all, and he’ll accepted whatever it is Jaemin will choose to do to him, even if it meant leaving and never wanting to see him again.

Jeno startled from his thoughts as he heard the sound of a car pulled over in front of his house, thinking it was his parents car before he saw Jaemin’s car parked there. Jeno quickly go to the front door, mustering all of his courage, so he can explain to him now, before it all wavered.

Once he opened the door, Jeno was greeted by a wided eyes Jaemin with one hand still held the door handle.

“I’m sorry, i--”

Jeno almost fall over as Jaemin pushed him inside, closing the door behind him at the same time with his feet, cupping Jeno’s face in his hands and Jeno felt like his world crumbled in that exact moment as he melted from Jaemin’s lips on his.

He felt like flying, frozen with both eyes open, trying to grasp Jaemin’s desperate touch that slowly bring him back to reality. Took him awhile to understand that this wasn’t just a mere dream or his delusional mind playing tricks.

Finally registering, Jeno closed his eyes, taking over the kiss by holding onto Jaemin’s face, making the younger smile at their shared kiss, draped his hands on Jeno’s hips instead. Jeno deepened the kiss, didn’t knew he had the courage to do so but when he felt Jaemin smile against him, he know he did something right.

When they slowly pulled apart, it was for air.

Jeno didn’t dare to open his eyes yet, bringing their foreheads together and steadily try to take his breathe that Jaemin took away before. He stroke the younger’s cheek with the palm of his hands, making tge youngef lean closer to his touch as Jeno felt his heart grew content.

“Say it.” he heard Jaemin whispered.

“What?”

“What do you want with me.”

Jeno chuckled, finally opening his eyes to stare at Jaemin’s demanding set of brown eyes. His smile faltered as he was mesmerized by how close they actually were, that it felt surreal. Abstract and out of this world. This view should only happened in his dream, and yet, here’s his reality, giving him what he always wanted.

“I want you. All of you. And i love you, so much.”

Jaemin smile, pulling away. “Really?”

Jeno let out a breath, heart beating fast. “Yes.”

Jaemin smile grew bigger as he stumbled to Jeno’s arms who almost losing his balance but managed to still stand and support both of them.

Jaemin buried his face in Jeno’s neck, whispering along the way with, “I love you too, i may realize it too late, way too late. But i always did, hyung. Since forever.”

Jeno stroke his back. “You mean it?”

Jaemin pulled apart and Jeno saw the tears falling down his cheek as his heart shattered in agony of seeing the tears again. “I regret ever pushed you away that night, i despise myself for not returning your kiss, for not admitting my own feelings. I would die to be in your arms every night, Jeno. I couldn’t be more sure about my feelings to you than anything else in this world.”

Jeno smile a little, brushing off the younger tears away from his cheeks. “Don’t cry.”

“Sorry. I’m emotional, i like you a lot.”

Jeno pulled him in more embrace, letting Jaemin buried his head on his chest as he stroke his back softly. “I like you a lot too,” he said, and then laughed. “You always makes me blush like a teenager.”

“I would want to see it more often, then.”

“I have been for these past years, silly.”

Jaemin chuckled. “I know,” he muttered. “Can you kiss me again? I’ve been dreaming of this moment since forever.”

Jeno let his hands lifted Jaemin’s head once again, locking their eyes before planting a chaste kiss on the younger lips. Once, twice, he could do it forever. Could give everything he had just to see Jaemin smile every time he left a kiss on his lips, only to be pulled back in to him again.

“Oppa!”

That does it. Jaemin pushed Jeno away from him, looking straight at Jae Ri who just barge into the door like a mad man. When in fact 1) she’s not mad, and 2) she’s definitely not  a man.

“Hm? What is it, Ri ya?” Jaemin said, softly and subtly brushing his lips, while Jeno just bites his, awkwardly standing there and trying his best not to laugh.

“I saw your car, i haven’t eat lunch and mom said we should order instead. Do you want to cook or should i just order chicken? It would only be me, Jeno hyung, and you, though. Jae Ah is out with her friends.”

Jeno laughed, moving closer to Jae Ri and patted her head.

“I’ll go upstairs and change, i think we should all just eat outside and go to eomma’s restaurant to greet her, no?”

Jaemin smile, but he quickly look at his watch on his wrist, remembering something. "Wait, i have an appointment at two, so i need to go back to the clinic now."

"Have you eat?" Jeno asked sincerely.

Jaemin gave him a smile. "I ate lunch already, you guys go." 

Jae Ri nodded enthusiastically. “Yes!” she said. “I’ll change in a bit, i’m so bored today anyway.”

Once Jae Ri left the house to go to her room, Jeno and Jaemin burst into a laughing mess.

“I can’t believe we almost got caught. Precisely like teenagers.” Jaemin said, rolling his eyes.

Jeno walked towards him, pulling him closer by holding the back of his head to slowly planted a kiss on the younger forehead. “Go now, i’ll pick you up after work.”

Jaemin nodded, about to turn around but not before stealing another kiss from Jeno’s lips. “See you, hyung.” he said, knocking Jeno’s every breath.

Jeno never thought he could be any happier than this, but here he was, right now, at this very moment, and he will definitely say it again in further days, if Jaemin would accept him.

 

 

\---

 

 

“Do you know there’s this boiling river in Peru called the Shanay-timpishka, hyung? The temperature could boiled you alive and you’ll be a samgyetang in a matter of seconds.”

Jaemin had his back to Jeno, hands and eyes busy looking at the food he currently cooked, an apron wrapped around his body while Jeno watched his every moves from the dinner table.

Jeno’s parents went home this evening and they decided to have a little feast since all of the family hasn’t gathered around in a while. While every food were already served in Jaemin’s living room where all of them were gonna eat, Jaemin and Jeno were tasked to cook the samgyetang Jeno’s father wanted to eat, even if Jeno just accompanying the younger and gave him moral support instead of actually get the food done because, well, he can’t cook for shit.

“That sounds interesting. Do you want to visit there someday?”

Jaemin turn off the stove, using the lodge handle so he can lift the heavy and hot pan. Jeno stand up from his seat, muttering, “I’ll get that.” and made Jaemin smile, looking around before giving him a kiss on the cheek, which made the older smile too.

“Will you take me?” Jaemin asked, washing his hands and taking off the apron.

“Yes. Everywhere, if you want to.”

Jaemin made Jeno put the pan on the table only to circle his arms around Jeno’s hips. “Let’s go, then.” he said, locking his eyes to the older who just smile at him, giving him a kiss on the forehead, this time a little longer.

“I have something to talk to you about tonight, sleep with me?”

Jaemin chuckled. “Yeah, sure,” he said, and then his face turn a little confused. “Is it something bad?”

“Depends,” Jeno said, giving a peck on the younger nose.

“Oppa!”

This time it was Jae Ah’s voice. Either way, Jeno and Jaemin separated quickly, too fast for their liking. Jaemin scratched his nose awkwardly while Jeno lifted the pan from the table as the both of them catch up to Jae Ah who told them that the rest of family were already waiting for the two in the living room.

 

 

\---

 

 

“We never cuddle before, do we?” Jaemin asked, looking up to catch Jeno’s eyes.

“No, but i surely dreamt about it.”

Jeno had his eyes closed, head paralleled with Jaemin’s but their bodies were both on the opposite side and directions, laying down while Jaemin slowly comb his hand through Jeno’s hair.

It feels...stronger.

Just yesterday he was holding back everything, building up every part of his mind and heart to cast a spell that would stop him from loving Jeno more than a friend, satisfied just by being by his side as a friend.

Now, late into the night, bellies filled with foods and loud chattered that didn’t happened for a long time. He can’t believe he can touch Jeno, can hug him, can kissed him now, without feeling any guilt because he knew Jeno loved him too.

Jaemin moved closer, kissing Jeno’s closed eyes one by one, his cheeks, his nose, and finally, his lips, the same thing Jeno did hours before, even if it’s a little difficult considering their position. He didn’t care, as Jeno returned his kiss a little deeper.

“What was that for?” Jeno giggles, staring down at Jaemin’s lips.

“I just want to make sure you are real.”

“I’m not real,” Jeno said slowly. “I’m yours.”

This time, Jaemin was the one who laughed, shaking his head. “You…” he said, slowly caressing Jeno’s face. “I love you a lot.”

Jeno chuckled. “I’m in love with you, if that wasn’t obvious enough.”

They stayed like that for a few moments, listening to each other steady breaths. And Jaemin traced his fingers on Jeno’s face, counting every features on it like treasures. How the face he watched grow from a young boy turned into this man that made him, _him_. And Jaemin had loved every inch of him, would love him for his growth in the future too.

He didn’t felt like they rushed things, even if they barely exchanged i love you’s only for a few hours, because all this time, he’s been praying for this to happen, seeing it all become reality just gave him back the taste of his dreams.

“What are you gonna talk to me about?”

Jeno took a long breath first. “Jaemin ah, i want your dreams for you,” he started. “I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. And i’m not saying this just because i love you with my whole being, but because i know you are more than capable to hold it higher. You are smart and passionate, so i want you to at least think about it, okay?”

Jaemin nodded.

“When you told me you wanted to go to school again before, i met a friend that worked in a flight academy, he was familiar with ground school and flight training, so i asked him a few questions. He said that the academy was opening up a new admission, for this year students and there would be scholarships program too, the academy was just in Seoul, i can give them your application letter if you want to, you know, continue to study.”

Jaemin was left silent, but not for long because he nodded immediately. “Okay,” he said, smiling wide. “Okay, hyung, thank you, i’ll study hard first.”

Now Jeno was the one who smile widely. “I was afraid you’ll be mad at me again, i don’t want to force you into anything anymore like two years ago. That was bad of me, i’m still sorry.”

Jaemin giggles. “That’s in the past. You are not perfect, and so do i. But i’ll still accept you for who you are, i won’t have you any other way.” he said slowly, nuzzling his nose to Jeno’s.

Jeno smile. “I’ll support you no matter what, Nana. Please tell me everything.”

“Okay, hyung. Okay.”

“I have something else to tell you,” Jeno said, made Jaemin raised his brows, but Jeno just held his hand tight to not make him worry. “I’m thinking on moving back to Seoul, probably next year, not now, because i had three years contract with the company. But once i--”

Jeno was cut short by Jaemin who sat and aligning their position at the same side so he can snuggle closer to Jeno’s neck, muttering, _finally_.

“Don’t be so happy like that,” Jeno said, still smiling, brushing his hair as he made Jaemin look at him again. “I wanted to be serious with you, but i want you to reach your dreams first, Nana. I have been in a long distance relationship for three years before, but no matter how passionate, we can’t beat distance without sacrificing ourselves. So i want you to be serious to your career first, if you so desired of it, i’ll wait for you. If you don’t want to, then i’m here for you too. But i don’t think we should tied ourselves in a relationship right now.”

Jaemin kind of see it. If he decided to pursue studying again, then he wouldn’t have much time on his hands, it would take years, even if Jeno would be in Seoul again. It’s hard enough to maintained their friendship when Jeno was abroad, he can’t imagine how hard it is gonna be if they were lovers, not that he doubted their feelings for each other, Jaemin was sure he would have to ask some future scientist to erased his mind if he wanted to forget Jeno or at least try, but it just generally a bad condition for anyone that commited in a serious relationship and Jeno didn’t want to risk it even if they still hadn’t got the chance to start.

“You’ll still love me, right?” Jaemin said silently.

Jeno smile softly at him. “Someone needs to bulldozed my head if they wanted to erase you from my heart.”

Jaemin laughed at his cheesiness. “No one are allowed to hurt you when i’m here.”

Jeno didn’t answered to his remarks, but enveloping Jaemin in a tight embrace, breathing to his hair. “My Nana, i love you so much for me to bear, you’ll be the death of me.” he said, closing his eyes as his heart pounded loudly inside his rib cage, kissing the top of Jaemin’s head who wrapped his arms around Jeno’s body tightly.

“You are not allowed to die on me.” Jaemin whispered, heart equally beats in the same rhythm, as he gave Jeno a return kiss on his cheek.

He felt whole and warm.

This is enough.

 

\---

 


	5. SEALED

  _"If one day you can't recognize my voice_

  _If one day you seem so hard to breathe_

 

_ I promise you to give my all _

_ Like you do from the day I start to see _

  
_ Forever is a long time _

_ But I'd keep my words that I say to you _

_ Together we can go far as long as I'm with you." _

 

 

 

 

_\- I Still Love You by The Overtunes -_

 

* * *

 

“You can’t really open skype?” Jaemin sighed into his phone, looking straight at the view outside of his balcony in front of him. The wind was blowing softly in his face, spring just right around the corner to overturn the long winter, and the afternoon air was warm, holding him in an embrace.

“No, i only got fifteen minutes to talk to you before the court started again. I’m afraid i’ll messed up my defense if i see your face, as much as unprofessional that would be, your voice is distracting enough.”

Jaemin smile into his phone. He would never gotten used to Jeno’s blattan sweet words lately since they both knew there wasn’t any walls built between them anymore, they are free to say anything without anymore self restriction.

“I wish you win, hyung. I’ll kiss you if you do.”

“That’s a great prize,” Jeno said slowly. “Congratulation on the admission, Jaemin ah. I know you’d make it.”

“Thank you, hyung. I’ll do my best.”

“You’ll start in August, right?”

“Yes,” Jaemin answered, playing with his hands. “Will you be here?”

There was a pause between them and Jaemin wondered what the other was currently thinking. “I don’t know, i will be there with you if i could.”

Jaemin kept his thoughts to himself, but it was definitely hard. When they spent the two weeks together last December until new years, it had been the most happiest moments in his life as he can hug, can kiss, and can talk to the older all the time, can see his face before and after sleep.

And it’s different from the time they still don’t know if it’s alright to be more than friends or not, his heart had created more holes that could only be fix if he can at least hear his voice.

He was well awared by the nature of their relationship. As they already talked about it, they won't be moving too fast. Jaemin will focused on school first, to reached his dreams, and Jeno will wait for him, until the both of them ready and can make sure no one will be hurt.

It’s okay, one more year and they could at least be in the same country again.

“I will always wait for you.”

He can hear Jeno smile.

 

 

\---

 

 

Jaemin never been to another country before.

Qingdao smelled like the sea, as the coastal central city was famous for. He heard only good things about this place, can’t wait to explored the city in a little bit after Renjun’s wedding ceremony tomorrow.

The Qingdao Liuting International airport looked busy like every other airport in the world, Jaemin felt a little tired from the long hours and delayed flights, but thoughts of spending the weekend with his friends was quite giving him the spirits he needed.

Walking alongside him was Donghyuck and Jisung with their respective luggages, Jisung asked him if they can go eat first before heading to the villa later, and Jaemin nodded, telling him he can pick where to eat as Donghyuck said that he was fine with anything. Jisung pick was a traditional restaurant where they sell local food.

Jaemin fished out his phone to tell Jeno that they would eat at the restaurant first so he can meet them there, his last text to him as soon as he stepped foot from the plane was a short _i’m here_ to let him know that they had safely landed.

Jeno was already here since yesterday morning so he can catch the plane and be back in Japan before monday for the next case he was working on.

They ended up meeting Jeno right in front of the restaurant instead and Jaemin instantly smile wide at the older.

The last time they met was in January and that was four months ago, once again, Jeno had knocked every breathe in his chest just so he can filled his lungs again.

“Hey guys,” he said, smiling a little at Donghyuck and Jisung.

“Hey hyung, how are you?” Donghyuck said, circling his arm that didn’t hold the luggage to Jisung’s shoulder.

“I’m fine. Hope you guys are doing okay, yeah?”

“We’re okay. Nana is a bit sad all the time though.” Donghyuck said with a playful smile and the equally amused Jisung at his side.

Jaemin was rolling his eyes, nudging his friend arms a little, muttering; “Don't expose me like that.”

Jeno finally, _finally_ , laid his eyes on him, he walked closer, opening his arms wide. “Come here,” he said, which Jaemin welcomed with the equally bigger hugs, immediately wrapping the older in a warm embrace.

He’d kiss Jeno right there and then, but the thoughts died as he knew that would definitely draw more attention on them. He settled with stealing a kiss on his cheek, though. Wishing that would be normal and hidden enough, but made Jeno’s face break in a big smile nonetheless.

“I miss you.” Jeno said, ruffling his hair.

“I miss you a lot too.” Jaemin said back, staring at Jeno brightly, lovingly.

“Who’s hungry? I did.” Donghyuck said suddenly, drawing out an embarrassed laugh out of Jeno and Jaemin who blushed shyly.

“Me too.” Jisung joined, grinning.

Jeno offered to carry Jaemin’s luggage but the younger brushed him off because it wasn’t that heavy and he was fine. The restaurant wasn’t really packed, but it was indeed busy, as lunchtime gonna be over soon.

Jaemin was holding back from having Jeno near him, and judging from how the older looked a little bewildered, he probably did too. But it’s lunch, so they settled with sitting beside each other and sharing a big bowl of noodle. They tried each other choice of food, discussing which dish taste better or which dessert sweeter.

It’s a nice lunch.

“Mark and Xuxi hyungdeul will catch the next flight later this evening, they forgot to get their puppy to the animal care centre.” Jisung said, looking up from his phone, probably reading the message Mark or Xuxi sent him.

Jaemin laughed, while Jeno muttered; “They are a match made in heaven, i swear.”

Donghyuck made a joke about that one time when Mark and Xuxi still on the first stage of their relationship, they used to battle rap verses as a form of flirting, Mark was taking it too seriously while Xuxi was there because of the fun and just wanted to woo him.

“I wonder where Jungwoo hyung went, though. He was the one who taught me how to play the piano that one summer week.” Jisung said, sounding so innocent while Donghyuck was a little more aware about the topic, nudging the youngest’s arm.

Jisung muttered a whispered _sorry_ , finally noticing that he just brought up the name of the past, but the air was already awkward.

“Hm, isn’t he in London? You told me before that he teach music in high school now, right?” Jaemin said, casually stealing Jeno’s dessert. Giving a gentle smile at Jisung because he didn’t do anything wrong to be sorry for.

“Yeah, he told me he got engaged recently. You are invited.” Jeno said, much to Jaemin’s amusement.

“Oh gee, another wedding. Where would it’d be, hyung? Are you gonna take me?”

“’I’ll take you everywhere you want, Nana.”

Jaemin smile at him, because Jeno probably noticing the guilt in Jisung’s face too.

When they finished their lunch, Jeno took them to the villa with his rent car, blasting summer music even when it still spring. Jaemin fought with him a little because he just want some peace and quiet while enjoying the wind and the sea, but Jeno insisted on blasting Nicki Minaj album instead.

“Damn it, why is my boss such an asshole? He knows i'm not even in on the case and yet he wanted me to write even more paperwork, i can't believe this!” Donghyuck said upon entering the house, he quickly walked to his chosen room, grumbling about his laptop whereabouts while Jisung excitedly checking out the backyard where the swimming pool and a swing set are at.

The villa was a very cozy house near the beach, Renjun helped them found the most cozy and affordable place to stay about a month ago and it actually much better than the sample on the internet.

There were supposed to be four room here, and since Mark and Xuxi are both volunteering to be in one room, Jaemin and Jeno also didn’t mind sharing a single room, even when Jaemin needed to hold on to his own embarrassment of non stop teasing from Donghyuck, which he brushed off pretty quickly because they’ve been sharing a bed together their whole life, anyway.

“You wanna rest for a while?” Jeno said, pulling Jaemin’s luggage that he insisted on carrying once they arrived. “Our room is upstairs.” he said, pointing at the second floor.

Jaemin nodded. “I want to take a bath, it’s too cold here, my skin are all ragged.” he said, showing his palm to Jeno.

“I brought a good lotion, it’s in my bag.”

Their room was also nice. It had a good view of the beach from an open balcony and the bed looked cozy too, but too neat, Jeno probably cleaned it before he came here.

“Did you sleep here alone last night?” Jaemin asked, accepting the lotion Jeno hand him.

“Yeah,” he said.

“You must be lonely.”

Jaemin smile when Jeno began to step closer to him.

“I did,” he said, staring right at Jaemin’s eyes. “You haven’t give me a kiss.”

Jaemin chuckled, also taking one step forward. “ _You_ haven’t gave me one either.”

Jeno steps a little closer again, erasing the distance that seems too far, and Jaemin smile grew wider as he felt Jeno’s palm on his right cheek, caressing it as he leaned closer to his touch. They were enveloped in an innocent kiss not long after. Learning to fix the broken parts from the lost time and space.

“I missed you so much, _so much_ . I know we’ve been like this for quite some times, but this time was a lot harder because i know now that i can have you, but i still _can’t_. It’s frustrating.” Jeno said, whispering as he pulled apart to brushed their foreheads together.

Jaemin closed his eyes. “I feel the same,” he let out a breathe, equally carressing Jeno’s face too. “Are you okay?”

Jeno chuckled. “Now? Yeah, as better as i could be. The best i felt for months.”

Jaemin opened his eyes only to look at Jeno who had his eyes fixated on him. “I love you, have i said this enough? I love you a lot. So much, in the best way possible, imaginable, i love you.”

Now Jeno was the one to giggles. “Thank you. I love you so much too.”

They hug for a quiet while, sometimes there was a kiss involved, sometimes there was a peck on one cheek, on the nose, temples, loving, caring, mending.

Jaemin loves this, they may not show it often, but the unspoken i love you was always there from the beginning.

And now he was free to say he love him all the time. Some may said it's a repetitive word that will lost it's meaning as time goes by, some said it's a magic word that will last a lifetime.

Jaemin said it's Jeno.

 

 ---

 

 

“Hyung, have you seen Nana? He’s not here, and i’ve been looking for him everywhere.”

Jeno looked back at Donghyuck with his soft purple tuxedo, excusing himself from the man he currently talked to. The man was also a lawyer, Renjun introduce them earlier after the dance started, promptly pulling away from Jaemin by his side to have a few chats with him.

The man was in his late thirty and is a local public attorney, they shared a few thoughts and Jeno enjoyed his company as they went on about different cases, as it turns out, skills never beat experience, because Jeno was in awed for a few stories the man shared. He still needs a lot of experience to sharpened his skill.

The wedding had went smoothly. This morning Jeno woke up with Jaemin snoring by his side, kissing his temple and waking him up so they can get ready for the ceremony. They had a matching black garments that Jaemin mother prepared for them a few weeks ago, with just a few different accent here and there. Jeno even helped the younger to wear his tie since he didn’t know how, stealing kisses and giggles in the process.

“He’s not here?” Jeno asked, eyes quickly scanning the beach where the ceremony was held, it's definitely a private beach, probably rented for events. Slow jam was playing in the background, laughter, couples slow dancing, kids and their playful antics were seen in an awfully romantic setting. The bride and groom was leading the dance, photographer taking pictures, and people gathering to try the foods. But no Jaemin in sight.

“No, we were waiting for Jisung to be back from the toilet so we can dance embarrassingly to the song, but then he said he needed to do something and left, he hasn’t return.”

This felt too much like deja vu.

“I’ll look for him.”

Jeno loosened his tie, knowing somehow that Jaemin would be alright, but it still doesn’t give him an assurance yet. He met Mark and Xuxi laughing beside an elderly couple, probably cracking a joke lost in translation while dancing with their arms around each other, he gave them a gesture where he went when they spot him.

Jeno looked for the east side of the beach first. It’s a little cold, but the sun was shining brightly and warming the air. Looking everywhere his eyes can reach, Jeno found a figure laying on top of the hills, Qingdao has a very radiant contrast for their combination of beach and tall buildings, blending together to create a unique city, but he will always know the shadow, will always spotted it, like his heart leads him to.

Jeno climbed the sandy surface and met with green grass. Softening and maddening at the same time.

Jaemin had his body laid on the naked grass, feets intertwining with each other and arms rested below his head as a pillow. Jeno brush his hair to the back, noticing that it probably looked hideous as the wind was blowing very wildly.

He didn’t make any sound, sitting beside the younger that had his eyes closed, brown hair a mess on his head and Jeno smile. It takes him back to when they were little, too afraid to figure the world out, too amazed by what it can offers. But one thing never changes, and Jeno hopes it will never does.

Jeno watched the limitless wide ocean, as the quiet fading sound of people blathering, of songs and the city buzzing in his ears like drums. He thinks about how he is right now, as a person, reminiscing the tired and stressful day at work, chanting a mantra of _fake it til you make it_ every time to keep his passion alive. He thinks about his family, about his friends, about _love_ and what made him as a person.

Jeno smile as he felt a touch caressing his cheek, only to look down and saw Jaemin opening his eyes, squinting, like he just welcomed the lights again in his eyes. “What are you thinking?”

Jeno kept Jaemin’s hand on his cheek by overlapping his hand with his, laying down to be on his side. “Everything,” he whispered.

“Tell me.” Jaemin said, slowly propping his body on one hand and look down to Jeno.

Jeno chuckled, playing with Jaemin’s hair. “I’m thinking about you.”

“Really? Is it nice?”

“How about you? What are you dreaming?”

“I don’t remember, it’s just a short nap.” Jaemin said, making faces.

Jeno laughed.

“What do you think about happy ending?”

Jaemin lay his head on Jeno’s chest, promptly listening to the beat of his heart. “You.”

“No, for real.”

“I don’t know. It has to involved you in it.”

Jeno smile, heart content. “Then i’m glad.”

They stayed quiet in the same position for a while, until Jaemin held his head up to look at Jeno’s eyes, whispering, “Sealed.”

Jeno gave him a confused look. “What?”

“Happy ending means it’s sealed. No more reopening, no more asking for the better.”

“What if it isn’t happy?”

Jaemin shrugged. “You won’t be happy all the time, we are living a life, hyung. It’s a never ending circle.”

Jeno looked at him, smiling and in love, pulled him down and kissed him, everything disappeared but themselves. It’s sweet, soft, and everything in between. The old him would trade everything to have this moment, to have Jaemin.

“You are my happy ending.” Jeno whispered to him.

Jaemin smile back at him, heart soaring. “Then i'm glad.” 

 

 

  **END**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sealed. 
> 
> Anyway, Happy late Birthday to our nana, Na Jaemin! Let's continue to give him lots of love in the future too!
> 
> Let's keep loving NCT! <3
> 
> Thank you for reading, comments and kudos are highly appreciated! /bows/
> 
> Twitter: twopastone


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